Join Me on a Journey

My church began a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. At first I was like so many that thought that this was only for alcoholism and drug addiction. How wrong I was! This program addresses everything you can possibly imagine. It is applicable to every person. We all have something to recover from even it is just plain old pride. Join me in my journey to recover from co-dependency and any thing else I will happen to discover on this journey.

Monday, April 26, 2010

More to Learn

Getting married did put me into co-dependency even further.  I was under constant scrutiny on how I set up the house, how fast the wedding thank you notes went out, how I did everything.  From my side of the family, I got criticism on how my new husband did or did not do things.  From his side, I was criticized for doing things the way that they did.  I was so different.  I could not please anyone.  My cooking needed improvement.  My cleaning had a lot to be desired.  Over and over more comments were made on what I needed to fix.  According to all this I did nothing right.

I did not realize until years later that I was becoming co-dependent in my marriage.  My darling husband is ADD.  This means that his attention is not always where it needs to be.  When he walks into a room, he seems to draw everyone to him.  He is very sociable and loves to talk with people.  Before I knew it, I was just following him wherever.  I was an extreme introvert and he seemed to just take over me.  Years later I looked back and noticed how his ADD began to run out lives and take me down paths that were not fun.

Have you ever heard me describe marriage to an ADD person?  Well, it is something like this......

Everything is rosy at first.  You are walking hand and hand and side by side.  You are together in the journey.  In fact you comment on sights you see and when you come across an obstacle in your path, he helps you over it.  This is generally because it is all new and exciting to both of you.  But time changes all things.

Without realizing what is happening, you see that he is now walking a few feet ahead of you.  He still has your hand but almost seems to be pulling you a little.  He begins to point out things to you, but jumps to another before you have time comment.  Time continues on and now you find that he is no longer holding your hand as he is using his hands to pick up things or point out scenery.  You can to almost run to catch up to him.  You tie a rope around you both so that you can still stay somehow connected. 

Before long he is yards ahead of you.  As you pass through trees, he forgets to hold the tree limp and you get smacked in the face.  He begins to pull you forward and he begins to rush about looking at one thing and then another.  Periodically, he pauses long enough for you to catch up but not to catch your breath.

The rest of the journey is him going through life in a rush, literally pulling you behind.  You are running trying to keep up and as a result never get to see the scenery or the rock in the middle of the path that trips you.  You fall and are still being dragged since he has not noticed that you have fallen.  His attention is focused on something else.

You begin to notice how things are falling around you.  He is dropping important things.  As you are rushing to keep up, you are trying to pick up everything: utilities bills, children's activities, birthdays, messages, breath.  It becomes harder and harder.  Eventually, you can't pick up anything.  You are just along for the ride.  Who do people see?  Him with a blur behind him.

This does not mean that he does not love you.  In fact, he cares for you greatly.  It is just that he cannot focus on more than one thing at a time.

Before I knew it I had no identity.  I was someone's little sister, youngest child, in-law, and wife.  Did I have a name?  What was it and where did I fit in this place?   

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Learning More About Myself

The more I go into my recovery the more I am finding out about myself.  I never realized how co-dependent I was.  In truth, I am horrified at how much I have allowed others to dictate and direct my life.  Only recently have I begun to stand up to them and stand on my own.

I have always worried what other people thought of me.  Throughout my school years I would hear the whispers as kids made fun of me.  They might not have thought anything of mocking my clothes, my accent, or how much I loved school.  In reality it was devastating to me.  These feelings began to direct the years that came later and led me deeper into co-dependency.

It did not help that I strove so hard for approval.  I loved school and did not need to be forced to make good grades.  Yet hearing the approval from my parents became crucial for me.  I felt that I had no other talents.  I could only make good grades.  I tried to hard to stand out as me, yet always felt like I was failing.  When we went back to Kentucky, people would see me and think that I was my sister.  Always my sister's name was mentioned before mine.  One person told me that as long as I lived, she would never die.  It got worse when people would be shocked that Mom and Dad had a fourth child.  You cannot imagine how many times I came across that.  Great!  Now I don't even exist in my own hometown.

But was it my hometown?  I didn't belong there anymore.  Yet, I didn't belong in Alabama either.  My accent let everyone know that I was not from there.  I never really felt accepted.  So I began to struggle to find myself and failed over and over.

I threw myself into college to make good grades.  But then I found someone who loved me for me.  My grades suffered, but it was worth it.  I had found love.  What I didn't realize that I was walking into further co-dependence that would force me to face it for what it was and make a decision that would forever change my life.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Lesson 4 - Sanity - Revisted

Boy, has it been emphasized how insane my life is.  Here, there, and everywhere at one time. 

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?"  That's another deep question.  Going on my own reactions and feelings has been detrimental in my life.  I get angry and if I react with that anger I say things that I later regret.  Emotions are given to us by God, but how we use them is usually not of Him. 

My emotions are usually that of flight.  I would love to crawl under a rock and hide from the world.  I hate to have confrontation with others.  I like peace and smooth sailing, yet if I act with my emotions, I run right into confrontation.  The feelings of hurt can cause a fight if I act on them.  The feelings of anger when wronged can cause a myriad of issues if I followed through.

Emotions can manipulated by others.  It is a feeling of the moment and not a true rock to stand on.  That is why it is wrong to fully rely on them and let them run our lives.

Emotions getting me into trouble?  By opening my mouth and speaking by thoughts.  This usually does  not turn out well.  I have shown myself as a child by relying on my emotions.  That is why when something happens in my life, I like to withdraw and think about it before reacting.  I need to understand my part in it and what I need to do about it.  Unfortunately, other people in my life want to push it and have it "out" right then and there.  They won't give me the chance to put emotion on the back burner.  Then they get angry that I acted on emotion.  This is where getting over co-dependency is hard when others are in your face all the time.  Give people time to solve their problems.  Let them think on them and let God talk to them.  They should be hearing God's voice and not yours.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Success

I thought that I would be sitting back at steps one and two forever, but as I was talking with a friend regarding my co-dependency I realized that I was moving along those steps better than I had thought.  I was starting to say no to those that wanted to rope me in.  I was beginning to stand on my own two feet.

My problem in that so many people in my life want to control my life.  They tell me how I should dress, talk, feel, discipline my children, answer my phone, spend my day, and which job to take.  There is really not one area of my life where someone is not trying to point out that if I would listen to them all my problems would be over.  The problem is that my feelings, passions, and self are ignored and basically told not important.

I have started telling people no.  When they want to influence my day to day life, I say that I will do what I need to do and if their actions try to cause me to get off the track of what HAS to be done then it is their problem.  For example, my husband who I am the most co-dependent to will panic because he needs to run to town because he forgot to do it yesterday.  Tough luck!  We are down to one car and I need it to take the kids to the doctor and get to work.  My life cannot go on hold because somebody else did not do what was needed.  They have to accept the consequences of their actions instead of me sacrificing everything to help them avoid the end result.  It might sound selfish to some people, but when you are a co-dependent you find that those people begin to take you for granted and assume that you will give up a job interview or anything else important for their wants and panic attacks.  Your life is really theirs.  You find that you have no identity and that you really do not exist. 

Unless you have fully recognized your co-dependency you cannot understand what it means to never be able to fulfill a dream or work on a hobby all because someone else demands your time.  They want you to do what they want when they want you to.  They expect you to drop everything just because they sneeze.  A co-dependent does not exist.  They are the shadow of the other person.

I'm beginning to break free.  If I have a deadline or a responsibility that needs to be met, then I make sure that it is done.  No more will I put off things that are required of me because someone else in my just wants to control me or because they have made mistakes in their daily life that flows into mine.  I don't care anymore if I am acceptable to someone else or if I meet their approval.  I don't care as long as I am doing what God requires of me.  It might not make others happy, but it is what God wants of me.  

I am a child of God and not the puppet of others.  I am a person with feelings and not the toy of others.  I need support and not control.