Recovery Celebration

Learning to Say No!

2010-05-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

I've rarely been able to say no in my life. That is part of what makes me a co-dependent. When I did say no, like to my parents, it only resulted in a huge fight. If I did not want to wear those hideous shoes that were bought for me by my mother (who had good intentions), it was a huge blow up. I learned to shut up, wear them, and cry myself to sleep because of the nasty comments others at school or church made to me.

It went on as I grew up. Saying no to friends was hard. I was darn lucky to not have anyone pressure me to drink or do drugs.. I might have done it just to prevent a fight. Going on a date was whatever the guy wanted. Why? It was not place to say anything.

Being co-dependent is horrible. You do not have a will of your own. You struggle with feeling like a person. You are just an extension of others. I was the extension of my brother and sisters. Whoever saw me only knew them and referred to me as their baby sister. I obviously did not have a name. I was only the smart kid in school. No one I went to school with really knew who I was, what I loved, or what my dreams were. I was just supposed to make the good grades. In college I was really messed up. I had roommates who tried to have me see a psychiatrist because I was sleeping a lot and trying to focus on my studies instead of staying up all night with them and goofing off. All because I said no. I tried to run and ended up with other roommates who tried to control me by telling who I should and should not date, when to go out, and everything else.

Getting married pushed me more into that mold. I watched my mother do whatever my father wanted. Okay, maybe not everything, but most things. When she balked, there was an argument. We ate where he wanted, went out when he wanted, watched the shows he wanted, and ate what he wanted. He wasn't mean. He was just very selfish because his mother spoiled him so. He was a loving man but without knowing it he helped me become co-dependent.

I caved in to whatever my husband wanted. We ended up in financial troubles because he is just not good at that sort of thing. I gave into the husband without fighting for what I was good at and he was not. After all, he is the husband.

Over the years I began to get so depressed because I was going in every direction everyone wanted me to go in. Unfortunately, they were not all going the same way. I was trying to satisfy everyone and ended up satisfying no one especially myself.

I could not say no.

Recently, I began to say no. It felt so good. Alright, at first it did not. Everyone got angry and I caved in. More miserable than I was before. After a few attempts, I got better at not backing down. They were still angry, but I felt a sense of power. I felt that I was coming back and they were leaving my soul. It was wonderful.

Saying no is one of the hardest things a co-dependent can do. They are so used to not having a true say about anything. They give in to whatever the other person wants even if it dangerous. They are afraid of conflict because conflict turns out bad. The stress from conflict is too much for them. The other person will not love them as much. They will lose a friend. Their loved one will think less of them.

If you are struggling with Co-dependency, please keep your chin up. You can succeed. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen. Just keep trying and find a good support group. That is vital to recovery. I'm still trying to find me which is why my recovery is slow. But I will recover!

Trust Me, You Need Recovery

2010-05-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a penny for every person who said that they did not need to recover from anything. If you are breathing, you at the very least need to recover from pride. There is always something to recover from.

Have you experienced hurt in the past? It could come from a divorce, loss of a job, a child who parted from their training. Everyone has hurt that follows them through life. You have no idea how much this hurt effects you today even though it could be fifty years since it happened.

Have you ever seen the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood? It is a great movie that even the guys will enjoy. It is all about a young girl who is trying to deal with the problems in her life and understand herself while discovering more about her mother. Her mother is not as simple as she thinks. The young woman has the hurt of being physically hurt by her mother and having feelings of abandonment. As she learns about her mother, she finds out that her mother suffered from hurt from her mother, father, loss of the love of her heart, the effects of alcohol, and not having a good support system around her. Each one of them had hurts and without seeking cleansing of the gangrene in their emotional lives, passed the infection onto their families.

We all have them and when they are not dealt with, they fester and begin to eat at our lives. They effect our marriage relations, the relationships with our children, our work life, and our spiritual growth.

Think of the areas of your life that you can find no peace. That is where there is an infection. It might not be the whole source, but a doctor has to start where they see the infection before digging deeper.

Understanding Co-Dependency

2010-05-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

I went through most of my life thinking that I was incompetent in everything. My dreams were to always be set aside because others should always come first. Now, my wants and desires should not be in the forefront, but they should also not be sacrificed for other people completely either.

When I read Celebrate Recovery's definition of co-dependency, I was shocked that I was reading about myself. I did not realize how much I had turned everything about myself to others. I always worried about pleasing others and being approved by them. Now I understood why.

Many people push aside the idea that co-dependency is something to recover from. They either have never experienced it or are living a lie. It can be deadly. Many people who find themselves in co-dependent relationship find that they lose their own identities. They forget that they have feelings and desires. They live only for the other person.

These co-dependent relationships are not just with a significant other though that is a huge percentage. It can be with parents, siblings, other family members, bosses, friends. Co-dependency can be with anyone.

Who am I co-dependent to? Everyone. I long to be accepted and loved. I want others to think good of me. In the end I am miserable and depressed because I cannot achieve that. I am never quite good enough. I am never fully accepted. There is always something more I need to do and then more after that.

In school I was always made fun of. I was so self-conscious about the way I dressed, the way I talked, and the grades I made. I was made fun of for making good grades, not having the highest grade, not wearing name brand clothes, my accent, my innocence, and the fact that I went to church on a regular basis. Nothing I did helped me make friends in school. I take that back. When I tutored them, I was their best friend.

In my family, I wanted to be loved and be part of the group. Instead, I was made fun of, reminded how much younger I was than my siblings, always put with the children even when I was a young adult, reminded of my lack of grace, and pretty much understood that my only accomplishment was good grade.

Later on, I was reminded of being the outcast and the new member of a family. My "southern" traditions were always commented on and the fact that I did not jump right into their traditions always mentioned. My cooking always needed help. Not canceling other events for a last minute birthday party interpreted to mean that I did not care for them. My housekeeping skills lacked completely. My parenting was too harsh one day and too loose the next.

Around and around the whirlwind of co-dependency and my life began to fall completely apart.

Living My Life For Others

2010-05-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

As the years went by I did not realize how much I was living my life to please others and failing horribly at it. I did not make the right decisions. I did not clean my house good enough. I worked too much. I needed to work more. I was a complete failure.

I began to notice depression creeping in more and more. I needed a little encouragement and praise for the work I did. Getting that was virtually non-existent. My meal might not be the equal to Julia Child's cooking, but it wasn't nasty. I began to think that I was no good at everything I touched.

This is a big sign of co-dependency as my life began to be directed by everyone else around me and it was made worse by everyone pulling me in opposite directions. What was the right thing to do? Who should I listen to? My mind began a constant swirl that was quickly becoming a hurricane bent on destroying me.

The net tying me down in life began to fray when I realized the stupidity of those that were pinning me down. We had a relative come visit one day. I had just got home from 10 hours at work. Husband and two young children were home all day. We needed to sweep the floors and the broom was not where I usually kept it. The visitor looked at me in shock and informed me that I was the woman of the house and should always know where things were even if I am not home. What? I am supposed to have this incredible power to control my husband while I am at work and make him put things where they belong? I am worried about pleasing these people and the most ludicrous notions? I began to look a little closer at how I was living my life.

People have this incredible need to have an opinion and push it off on other people. This has been the majority of my life. I always thought that I had to meet their approval and follow their words of "wisdom", aka opinion. Opinions are not wisdom and are usually not from God. They are opinions only.

Not knowing where my broom is does not mean that I am a bad person, mother, or housekeeping. But that is how I took it. I began to beat myself up and cry for several days because now that person thought bad of me. I needed to feel loved and all I was getting was the message that I just wasn't good enough.

This is the power that others have over someone that is co-dependent. Their feelings and self-esteem are driven by others. They need to feel loved and accepted. When they do not receive it, they fall deeper and deeper into other people's power as they try harder and harder to meet their approval. It is a never ending vicious cycle that can only end in destruction if it is not stopped.

It was only when I saw the net fray that I realized that there was a world outside of that suffocating net. God did not put that net on me. I allowed other people do that do me. He wants me to have freedom not condemnation from those around me. I was determined that the net was to go away.

More to Learn

2010-04-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

Getting married did put me into co-dependency even further. I was under constant scrutiny on how I set up the house, how fast the wedding thank you notes went out, how I did everything. From my side of the family, I got criticism on how my new husband did or did not do things. From his side, I was criticized for doing things the way that they did. I was so different. I could not please anyone. My cooking needed improvement. My cleaning had a lot to be desired. Over and over more comments were made on what I needed to fix. According to all this I did nothing right.

I did not realize until years later that I was becoming co-dependent in my marriage. My darling husband is ADD. This means that his attention is not always where it needs to be. When he walks into a room, he seems to draw everyone to him. He is very sociable and loves to talk with people. Before I knew it, I was just following him wherever. I was an extreme introvert and he seemed to just take over me. Years later I looked back and noticed how his ADD began to run out lives and take me down paths that were not fun.

Have you ever heard me describe marriage to an ADD person? Well, it is something like this......

Everything is rosy at first. You are walking hand and hand and side by side. You are together in the journey. In fact you comment on sights you see and when you come across an obstacle in your path, he helps you over it. This is generally because it is all new and exciting to both of you. But time changes all things.

Without realizing what is happening, you see that he is now walking a few feet ahead of you. He still has your hand but almost seems to be pulling you a little. He begins to point out things to you, but jumps to another before you have time comment. Time continues on and now you find that he is no longer holding your hand as he is using his hands to pick up things or point out scenery. You can to almost run to catch up to him. You tie a rope around you both so that you can still stay somehow connected.

Before long he is yards ahead of you. As you pass through trees, he forgets to hold the tree limp and you get smacked in the face. He begins to pull you forward and he begins to rush about looking at one thing and then another. Periodically, he pauses long enough for you to catch up but not to catch your breath.

The rest of the journey is him going through life in a rush, literally pulling you behind. You are running trying to keep up and as a result never get to see the scenery or the rock in the middle of the path that trips you. You fall and are still being dragged since he has not noticed that you have fallen. His attention is focused on something else.

You begin to notice how things are falling around you. He is dropping important things. As you are rushing to keep up, you are trying to pick up everything: utilities bills, children's activities, birthdays, messages, breath. It becomes harder and harder. Eventually, you can't pick up anything. You are just along for the ride. Who do people see? Him with a blur behind him.

This does not mean that he does not love you. In fact, he cares for you greatly. It is just that he cannot focus on more than one thing at a time.

Before I knew it I had no identity. I was someone's little sister, youngest child, in-law, and wife. Did I have a name? What was it and where did I fit in this place?

Learning More About Myself

2010-04-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

The more I go into my recovery the more I am finding out about myself. I never realized how co-dependent I was. In truth, I am horrified at how much I have allowed others to dictate and direct my life. Only recently have I begun to stand up to them and stand on my own.

I have always worried what other people thought of me. Throughout my school years I would hear the whispers as kids made fun of me. They might not have thought anything of mocking my clothes, my accent, or how much I loved school. In reality it was devastating to me. These feelings began to direct the years that came later and led me deeper into co-dependency.

It did not help that I strove so hard for approval. I loved school and did not need to be forced to make good grades. Yet hearing the approval from my parents became crucial for me. I felt that I had no other talents. I could only make good grades. I tried to hard to stand out as me, yet always felt like I was failing. When we went back to Kentucky, people would see me and think that I was my sister. Always my sister's name was mentioned before mine. One person told me that as long as I lived, she would never die. It got worse when people would be shocked that Mom and Dad had a fourth child. You cannot imagine how many times I came across that. Great! Now I don't even exist in my own hometown.

But was it my hometown? I didn't belong there anymore. Yet, I didn't belong in Alabama either. My accent let everyone know that I was not from there. I never really felt accepted. So I began to struggle to find myself and failed over and over.

I threw myself into college to make good grades. But then I found someone who loved me for me. My grades suffered, but it was worth it. I had found love. What I didn't realize that I was walking into further co-dependence that would force me to face it for what it was and make a decision that would forever change my life.

Lesson 4 - Sanity - Revisted

2010-04-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

Boy, has it been emphasized how insane my life is. Here, there, and everywhere at one time.

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?" That's another deep question. Going on my own reactions and feelings has been detrimental in my life. I get angry and if I react with that anger I say things that I later regret. Emotions are given to us by God, but how we use them is usually not of Him.

My emotions are usually that of flight. I would love to crawl under a rock and hide from the world. I hate to have confrontation with others. I like peace and smooth sailing, yet if I act with my emotions, I run right into confrontation. The feelings of hurt can cause a fight if I act on them. The feelings of anger when wronged can cause a myriad of issues if I followed through.

Emotions can manipulated by others. It is a feeling of the moment and not a true rock to stand on. That is why it is wrong to fully rely on them and let them run our lives.

Emotions getting me into trouble? By opening my mouth and speaking by thoughts. This usually does not turn out well. I have shown myself as a child by relying on my emotions. That is why when something happens in my life, I like to withdraw and think about it before reacting. I need to understand my part in it and what I need to do about it. Unfortunately, other people in my life want to push it and have it "out" right then and there. They won't give me the chance to put emotion on the back burner. Then they get angry that I acted on emotion. This is where getting over co-dependency is hard when others are in your face all the time. Give people time to solve their problems. Let them think on them and let God talk to them. They should be hearing God's voice and not yours.

Success

2010-04-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

I thought that I would be sitting back at steps one and two forever, but as I was talking with a friend regarding my co-dependency I realized that I was moving along those steps better than I had thought. I was starting to say no to those that wanted to rope me in. I was beginning to stand on my own two feet.

My problem in that so many people in my life want to control my life. They tell me how I should dress, talk, feel, discipline my children, answer my phone, spend my day, and which job to take. There is really not one area of my life where someone is not trying to point out that if I would listen to them all my problems would be over. The problem is that my feelings, passions, and self are ignored and basically told not important.

I have started telling people no. When they want to influence my day to day life, I say that I will do what I need to do and if their actions try to cause me to get off the track of what HAS to be done then it is their problem. For example, my husband who I am the most co-dependent to will panic because he needs to run to town because he forgot to do it yesterday. Tough luck! We are down to one car and I need it to take the kids to the doctor and get to work. My life cannot go on hold because somebody else did not do what was needed. They have to accept the consequences of their actions instead of me sacrificing everything to help them avoid the end result. It might sound selfish to some people, but when you are a co-dependent you find that those people begin to take you for granted and assume that you will give up a job interview or anything else important for their wants and panic attacks. Your life is really theirs. You find that you have no identity and that you really do not exist.

Unless you have fully recognized your co-dependency you cannot understand what it means to never be able to fulfill a dream or work on a hobby all because someone else demands your time. They want you to do what they want when they want you to. They expect you to drop everything just because they sneeze. A co-dependent does not exist. They are the shadow of the other person.

I'm beginning to break free. If I have a deadline or a responsibility that needs to be met, then I make sure that it is done. No more will I put off things that are required of me because someone else in my just wants to control me or because they have made mistakes in their daily life that flows into mine. I don't care anymore if I am acceptable to someone else or if I meet their approval. I don't care as long as I am doing what God requires of me. It might not make others happy, but it is what God wants of me.

I am a child of God and not the puppet of others. I am a person with feelings and not the toy of others. I need support and not control.

Lesson 3 - Revisted - Hope

2010-03-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

Hope starts off with Higher Power. That has to be with Jesus. It cannot be with another person, our own strength, or with any tools this world has to offer. It has to be with Jesus. He can do so much for us if we will only let Him. According to Romans 11:36, "Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power." (TLB)

How can this apply to recovering from co-dependency? More than you can possibly imagine. What does a co-dependent search for? The approval and acceptance of other people. They look for others to give them a sense of self-worth and identity. That is wrong. It can only come from God. The approval we need and the acceptance we crave needs to come from Him and Him alone. He cannot fail us. He cannot let us down. He will not abuse us or reject us. He loves us and cares for us.

Co-dependency can be very deceptive. Most of the people the we are co-dependent to are close family members. We cannot get rid of them so this becomes a difficult challenge in our recovery. Because of that we have to rely more and more on God. He needs to totally replace the other people in our life. We are not defined by them. We are defined by Him.

If you are a co-dependent, get into the Word more and get closer to God. Let Him guide you and protect you when faced with those that you are co-dependent with. He is the ultimate source of strength that you need.

Lesson 2 Revisted

2010-02-27T13:57:00.000-08:00

Since I had to return to step one, I went all the way back to lesson 1 and am working my way up. I'm determined to do this. I want complete recovery in my life.

The question posed to me today was "In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?" I almost skipped past this question. Not because I was ashamed, but because at first I wanted to say that I did nothing. But I forced myself to return to it and look deeper. I tried to bury it. That was my escape.

Once I got over the initial pain and the wallowing in confusion and anger, I moved on. I wanted to forget that part of my life. I did revisit it periodically, but I never wanted to face it again. I buried it as far from me as possible. When I revisited, I tried to heap more dirt on it to hide and never see it. The problem is that the pain is always there and you are reminded of it no matter how hard you try to forget.

One pain was from my childhood. I was accused of lying about something that I had nothing to do with. The relative had to tell everyone at the family gathering the next day how I had lied and would not be honest. The truth was that my mother had just reprimanded me for tattling. By not telling on someone else, I was the guilty party. I cried and cried. My mother unraveled the story from me and confronted the relative about it all. Their answer was that I should have told the truth. To this day I dread talking to her because I am scared deep down inside of being accused again. The pain was never addressed so therefore it continues on.

Whenever I got put on the spot about anything after that, I withdrew and tried to hide myself and the problem. A boy I had dated and his friends decided that because I would not let him kiss me that I was a tease. I tried to explain that my first kiss was to be something special and with the one I felt that I was in love with. I was way to young to be thinking of such things but that did not matter. They got nasty and told all sorts of things about me and even said some nasty things in the school paper. I wanted to die. Once again I was up against the wall with the firing squad and I wish the earth would have swallowed me up. I did get an apology from a few of them when they realized the whole truth. But to this day I feel the pain when I see his name.

A misunderstanding occurred between myself and a relative. Communication was at the core of the problem. The pain arose from the nasty things they said about me to others including my children. Though we mended the rift, it really was a sloppy job of stitches. The scar is still there and I really feel uncomfortable around them. Why? Because it was pushed under the rug and never really addressed. It was brought up several times since then and almost repeated many other times. The problem is still there but no one wants to address it. I have to hide the pain to keep going.

Over the years I have come realize that dealing with pain there can be no indirect solution. It has to be addressed head on properly or gangrene will set in. When the pain is ignored or pushed aside, we invite the devil to come in and make it more rancid. We don't want to face our part in the issue. We don't want to relive the emotions that ripped us apart, but how else can you heal?

My husband had acquired MRSA in his wrist. The doctors had to dig down into it and clean out all the junk before administering the antibiotic. He almost passed out from the pain. It was worse than the infection itself, but death could occur if not addressed at all. The pain had to be faced in order to be eliminated. The same has to be said about our emotional pain.

I'm learning that maybe I need to be more open to cleansing out my wound without making it worse. I need to face my pain instead of hiding it. Thank goodness I have the greatest Physician of all.

Copying Skills

2010-02-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm still battling with step one. It is not as easy as you might think. Getting rid of any habit or hangup is not a light task. It is extremely difficult. Going back to step one, I was given the question: As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself? I never really recall trying to get attention. Mainly because I don't think that I was ever ignored. But protecting myself was another matter. I did not suffer from physical abuse. But I never took criticism well. Most people don't, that is true, but I took every single thing as personal. Why? Because I heard what was said behind closed doors and the comments were meant to be personal. The small barb was meant to penetrate. I learned quickly that most people's comments were deliberate and on purpose. I learned to get out of the line of fire by withdrawing into myself so that the stings were less potent. It has served me well through adulthood.

When reprimanded or verbally attacked, I immediately clam up. If my bosses addresses me down, I close my mouth and bury myself in my work. I will not be jolly, happy, or anything. I will just put my nose to the grind and try to stay out of the line of fire. If a relative gets in my face and starts criticizing everything I do, I do the same and just bury myself in work. This has worked well though it has been damaging.

Anytime we withdraw into ourselves we damage relationships. We alienate ourselves and prevent healing. Now, at the time it seems the smartest thing to do. After all someone is on the warpath somewhere. I hate conflict. I avoid wherever I can. Some people might not believe that, but when it is personal, I run for the hills. Why? Because I have too many scars that have yet to heal. I don't need anymore salt on the wounds. Yes, I know that I'm not pretty. Yes, I know that I suck as a mother. Yes, I know that my cooking has a lot to be desired. Yes, I know that I don't do anything right. Therefore, I hide.

Hiding is safer. I only have myself to criticize. But in doing so it has only emphasized my co-dependency. Their opinions still factor in my life. Their statements still drive me. I am still dependent on them. I think this really came to light when recently someone who rarely sees me and knows less about me than they think they do began the attack on how I need to do this better, not do this, and change this in my life. It devastated me. I was back at step one. I realized this as I began to creep back into my shell and hide from everyone.

I got angry. When was I ever going to get over this? Why can't I conquer it? I don't want to be co-dependent yet I crave their approval. I don't want them to worship me, but I would like a little love and support. That is all I ask for.

Ironically, I do get that from some dear friends. And I deeply appreciate them for that. I just would like it from those that profess to care also. It is still a work in progress. I've got to learn better copying skills.

Recovery is Ongoing

2010-02-09T04:10:00.000-08:00

I think that this past week I was still at step one. I hit a depression like none other. I found myself seeing only the criticism and the rejection. I longed for approval. Then amazingly I got it. What did I do? I asked if there was a sudden freeze way down below and how soon would the thaw be.

Never satisfied am I? I really am at step one again. I have to learn to turn more to God and forget the others. I do not need their approval. What I need is to get my spiritual walk where it should be and then it will all fall into place. Alright! Easier said than done.

I am not in control of anything except my reaction to situations. I cannot control how my kids feel, my husband's actions, my family's tongue, my friends' comments, the economy, the White House, the earthquakes........ Shall I go on. I can approach each with wisdom and prayer. I can be in control of that and that alone.

I might not have an alcohol problem or dealing with the misuse of drugs, but folks that doesn't mean that I don't have something to recover from. Life hurts and it can take a lot to recover from. Don't let pride be the only thing that is holding you back (honestly, you do need to recover from that, too). Turn to God and let Him have it.

If you are interested to learn more about the Celebrate Recovery program, please let me know.

Sometimes It is Back to Step One

2010-01-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

Throughout any recovery you will find yourself back at step one periodically. It could just be that old habits are hard to break. It could be pride. It could be that we never really progressed like we thought. I found myself slipping back to step one this week.

As you well know I have an issue with co-dependency. I thought I was getting along fine with getting on the road to recovery until this past week. I found myself back in the same old rut of needing approval. The fact that I wanted it so badly made me very depressed. Am I never to escape from this?

Over the last week I have been focusing on my husband and his health. It is not good. I'm worried because he is the love of my life. I had to stay home over the weekend while he went to a family function five hours away. I was without my husband and two daughters from Saturday through Monday evening. While he was gone, I took matters into my own hands and set up a time for him to escape to a cabin without any interference so that he could relax and bring his blood pressure down before he had a stroke. He came home on Monday and I sent him away on Tuesday. I barely got to see my husband yet I was willing to do this to have him for many more years to come. I did not do this for a pat on the back, but the desire for it from a few people crept in.

I had expected a few people who were concerned about him to thank me for organizing it. Usually they comment on how much I place on him. Here I was relieving him. I broke down into tears because they actually seemed to be avoiding me and would not address his health. I guess that I thought after I had done all this for him that they would realize how much I loved him and that I was doing something good for him. Why can't I get past this?

Maybe I am just PMSing. But I cannot deny the fact that I am still seeking their approval. I need the confirmation that I'm doing something good. It is so frustrating because I don't want to be like that. In the end their opinion means absolutely nothing. Why? Because it is God's opinion that really matters.

Maybe that is it. I know God loves me no matter what and I rest assured in that. I honestly don't know if the other people love me or even like me. Maybe that is what eats at me. I need to be loved and to feel like someone loves me. Is that what co-dependency really is? A desire to feel loved and cherished?

I'm back at step one this week. But I'm ready to work my way back up.

Growing in Wisdom is Part of Recovery

2010-01-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

I'm discovering that part of my recovery is to personally grow in wisdom. This can be a fun yet frustrating experience.

I once had a fight with God over the fact that someone I knew would not see the errors of their ways. Any court in the world would see how wrong they were. Why weren't they changing? Why wasn't God getting their attention? It was then that God brought it to my attention that I could not change them. I could not teach them tact, respect, and compassion. Only He could. What was I do to then? Just sit back and be emotional abused? No, I was to stop myself from becoming that person.

How many of us see our parents in us? Here I mean the not so admirable qualities. Why do we see that? Have you ever seen the movie Monster-In-Law? I have come to hold that movie so dear. Not for the humor which is plenty, but for the lesson I got from it. The story line is that a young man brings home his beautiful fiance to meet his mother. The fireworks go off as they go at each other. The mother is determined to ruin the young girl and break them up. The young girl is fighting for her life as the situations turn from hilarious to dangerous. What got me was when the future mother-in-law's mother-in-law appeared. The tables were the turned. The nasty sharp tongue came from the older woman and directed at the woman whose son was to walk down the aisle. She became the young bride who could do nothing right. A vicious cycle. One woman in your foolishness helped created a mini-me of her who turned and did the same thing to her new daughter-in-law. Where does the cycle of foolishness end and wisdom prevail? Here with me.

I began to notice how much people were really like the ones they portrayed as harsh and uncaring. One woman could not go five minutes whenever she visited her daughter without mentioning the extra microwave. Why on earth did they have it? Why didn't they take it back? It made no sense. And the new glasses? Why would they buy such delicate pieces? Nice sensible glassware would be good enough. It left her daughter in tears in each visit as she harped on everything they had and did. One day the mother was going through her cabinets and picked up a waffle iron. It had to be almost sixty years old. One of the first electric ones ever made. She teared up as she mentioned how her own mother would comment on the foolishness of buying it each and every time she visited. What this woman did not understand was that she was now that other woman.

We can stop that cycle! We do not have to be like others. We do not have to answer them. We have somewhere else to go to get direction. The Word. The book of Proverbs is a great place to go to get out of the cycle. Do you want to truly be like your mother, mother-in-law, father, or father-in-law? Sadly, most people I know would say no. Who do they want to be like? A person of wisdom and a controlled tongue. That can only be achieved through God and through His Word.

Part of my recovery is going through the book of Proverbs. I am trying to apply each verse to my life. Am I a hundred percent successful? Absolutely not. But I am trying. I want to be known for my wisdom and not for my hateful speech or arrogance, or high opinions.

Lesson 8 - Sponsor

2009-12-26T12:51:00.000-08:00

In this lesson I am asked why is it important for me to have a support team. It is not just in this recovery program that we need support teams. We cannot go through life without a support team around us in some form or fashion. We are made to want communion with others.

What is the job of a support team? They are there to support. Why is support needed? Because the foundation is not strong enough on its own. A support is needed to hold it up. That is what our support team does for us.

I struggle here. I do not have much of a support team. That is usually because of the position I am in as a wife of a minister. I've always heard from other pastors' wives how alone they feel because they have no one to talk to or confide in. That is so very true. You cannot reveal much if anything because most people take it and tell others. They remember it during a business meeting. They forget that the pastor and his family are human and so much alone. Since I am battling co-dependency I have trouble getting a support team because I have no one to talk to. They all know him and work with him.

I need to get a support team, but I have no idea where. I cannot advance much here if I do not have someone who will eventually become my sponsor. I'm really going to have to pray about this since it could prove disastrous if I do not handle this properly.

Recovery is Continual

2009-12-22T04:16:00.000-08:00

One thing I have learned in this process is that recovery is an ongoing process. Even when you say that you have reached step 12, in reality you go through all 12 steps each day of your life. I have to remind myself over and over that it is not about me. I have to give it all over to God again. I have to recognize hurt and pain. I have to forgive and go forward. I have to face my defects and work on them.

So many people look at recovery as just getting over being addicted to drugs or alcohol. How wrong they are! Each and every person breathing needs to recovery from something. If nothing else, they need to recover from pride. No one is perfect. We are all sinners. This program is perfect in that it does not address only alcohol or only drugs. It addresses your entire life.

In our spiritual walks we are to start our day putting back on the armor of God. We have to almost start over each day as we prepare ourselves for the battles ahead. That is no different that it is to be in Celebrate Recovery. We have to gird up and protect ourselves in the same way. That armor is vital to us.

Shedding bad baggage and influences is what all Christians are called to do. We are called to grow and mature. We are called to recover from this world.

Still Trying to Understand

2009-12-17T08:32:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to hard to understand how to recover from co-dependency when it seems forced on me. Most of the testimonies I have found revolve around alcohol and drug recovery. The few that I have found that involve co-dependency are mainly those spouses our children of alcoholics and drug addicts. I am not finding anyone who is trying to recover from being married to an ADD spouse.

This is really hard for me as I try to understand how I can get through it all. I try to go through the steps but I keep finding my life in chaos as he makes decisions without thinking and lives in the moment. I can see the bridge is out ahead of us but what do I do? If I yell and try to pull him back, we fight and I get depressed. If I don't say anything we fall into the canyon.

I remember one testimony in which a wife was recovering from co-dependency with a husband who cheated on her and was a huge alcoholic. She always felt that if her husband would change all would be well. She just didn't realize that she needed to change, too. I feel like that. But the difference is I know that I need to change, but it is hard when you do not see the other one attempting to change.

Does ADD win? Do I just give in and my change and recovery involves letting the ADD have complete control? That is where I feel lost.

We do see a counselor to help him with his ADD. Where I struggle is that once we leave the office, he forgets about we are to work on and goes back to his normal way of living. How can I get over my co-dependency when I see no way?

I am not going to give up on my recovery. This program is wonderful and I am learning so much. It is great and I would recommend it for anyone. I just wish I could find more that were in my situation.

Lesson 7 - Moral

2009-11-27T04:53:00.000-08:00

Lesson 7 gets me started on my moral inventory. This can be a difficult lesson. In fact, this is where many people stop the 12 step program. It is not easy facing your mistakes or even your successes.

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "List the things you have used to block the pain of your past." This was a hard one for me. I have to admit that because I do not drink and do drugs that I took a while to answer this. This narrow-minded thought process is shameful. There are so many ways to block the pain. Alcohol and drugs are just one of the ways. So now the internal struggle began as I tried to discover what I was doing and why.

I am one that tries to please everyone. There is that darn co-dependency again. The pain I felt from all those type D personalities was masked by me trying to gain their approval. I tried to dress to please them and prevent negative comments. I tried to do everything to appease them. I had to realize that I would never do that. My haircut was never going to be just right. The way I disciplined my children was never going to be correct. The way I cooked was never going to be above "OK". I was never going to succeed. I blocked my pain in denial and in striving to be someone I was not.

I once told someone in our small group discussion (I can repeat this since I was the one saying it) that my organization and anal tendencies were not the real me and not my nature. Now those same type D people would say that I was not organized enough, but my immediate family would say that I was on the road to being too anal. Why is that if that is not the real me? Because I spent my life trying to be what others said I had to be. I used to work about 50 hours a week in downtown Milwaukee. My husband was home more than I was and the kids were always beating me home by about an hour. One day a relative stopped by to visit. She asked where the broom was so that she could sweep up a mess that was just made. I answered honestly that I did not know. Where I would place it was never where it could be found when I got home. She looked at me in shock and dismay. It was my responsibility to know where that broom was she informed me. It was my house, right? When I said that with me being gone at work so much, that there was a lot that I did not know. I was informed that that was beside the point. I should always know. That weighed on me for years. I put so much pressure on myself to work full-time and to be in control of a house that I really had no control over. I mentally beat myself daily on how much of a failure I was because I did not have control of my house. This also strained my marriage and my relation with my children. I became an ogre and began to yell a lot. Why weren't things left where I put them? Why couldn't I do it all? I was supposed to. What others did not realize was that I was to work, manage a home, follow behind my children and my husband and still meet other responsibilities as they arose. I began to melt down. I could not do it all so why should I?

I hid my sense of failure in striving harder. This made the number of failures increase and be more obvious. I could not do it anymore. The day this realization hit was painful. I'm learning to be me. I'm learning to look at others and say, "I don't care." I will not live my life to please them. I will live it only to please God. If they don't like it, take it up with Him. I cannot please everyone. I will not try anymore. I will not agree to things just so that they will think better of me. I will not give up my family time to appease others. I will not re-create myself to be what they want. I will be what God wants.

Lesson 6 - Action

2009-11-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

One of the questions asked in Lesson 6 is "What have you been able to turn over to God?"

This was a hard one for me. After all, I am co-dependent which means that I do not have anything that I have control over to turn over. Well, I might not have control over anything, but I do still have my clutches on things that I need to relinquish to God. I'm trying to control it. Though I never seem to have control. I need to turn my day to day schedule over to God.

One night at about 2 am God and I had a very long and deep discussion. I was about to pull my hair out. God is not a ruler or creator of chaos. So why is my day so chaotic? Come on, God. I'm trying to put order in my life. Why does it seem that You are fighting against me and allowing the chaos to reign? I could not get past these statements. I repeated them over and over. It was then that wonderful James rose up and spoke.

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (NIV, James 4:13-17)

I was trying to determine my day and what was going to happen. There is nothing wrong with planning and making sure that crucial things are not missed. What was I doing wrong? Not dedicating my day to God and looking to Him about what I should and should not do. That was my problem.

Do you know how hard this was for me? I am not naturally an organizer. I like to get up and go about my day doing whatever is before me. The world around me forced me to change. I was an accountant for 20 years. Much of my job involved a multitude of tasks that had to be scheduled and could not be missed. Lists became my best friend as they helped me to remember duties that had to be done. This spilled over into my personal life.

I married an ADD guy. Life with him was a roller coaster. You never knew what each day held. Unfortunately, that included the bills, where we lived, and other important things. I began to create lists to help us to remember to pay bills, feed the pets, do regular chores, and such. Why? Because if it was not on the list, he would not do it. Even if it was on the list he might not do it, but I would remember amid all my other "normal" duties and get it done. This grew and grew to where everything in my life was a list.

Now, I still have to have lists. My memory is getting way too faulty to cope. God is not banning lists in my life. What is He doing then? Asking me to let Him make the list. That's right. Give Him the ultimate control of my life - my lists!

How do I do this? I go ahead and make out my list for tomorrow as normal. I never realized how ambitious I was. When the list is made, I pray and ask God to take what needs to be removed and add what I have missed. I about cry when He has me remove some items that I really want to do. But in all honesty, I would not have been able to get it all done.

I feel better each day. My lists are not as long and when they are they are made up of what He wants me to do and not what I want. This is a huge difference. He never fails. His plans never are wrong. Mine on the other hand.......

What is so Great About Celebrate Recovery?

2009-10-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest things about Celebrate Recovery (CR) is the fact that is for anything. You don't have to have a drug problem though many come to it for that very reason. You don't have to have an alcohol problem though many come for that, too. You don't have to have a sexual addiction though a surprising number come for that. You can have a marriage problem which almost anyone married has. You could have an eating addiction or disorder which is a lot more common than you realize. You could suffer from co-dependency which I’m finding most people have. You could have a hurt from your childhood or past relationships which I think everyone does to some degree. You might have issues with your children which any parent does at some stage of their childhood. You might have a bad habit of stealing. Or you have just plain old pride that gets in everyone's way. That hits every single person. Anyone could benefit from CR because all it is doing is trying to get to the root of your problems and get your walk with Christ right.

What more could you ask for? It helps to clean out the junk in your life and cleans out those rooms that we lock away and try to look at because they are so disgusting. But the house will never be clean because the mold and mildew will spread to the other rooms quietly and deadly. We have to bleach those rooms by allowing God to come in and clean it all out. He is the ultimate housekeeper. You don’t have to worry about anything getting missed if you are truly letting Him clean it all out. CR is one of those tools to do just that.

Our group is growing as more and more realize that CR is for all of life's problems. We have many with drug and alcohol problems but even they are discovering that that is not their real problems. They have to go much deeper. We are celebrating just a week or two of some people not cutting themselves. We celebrate those “small” victories, because they are not small. They are huge. Any day that someone can go through and conquer their demons is a celebration. Any day they cannot conquer is a day of prayer and support.

I highly suggest that you take a look at the material of CR. You will be surprised and you will find that you might need this wonderful Bible study that goes so much further than normal studies.

Lesson 5 - Turn

2009-10-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

This lesson starts you on step 3 which states: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Now at first glance, some of us would quickly say that we already have done this. After all, I've been a Christian my whole life. Yet, I got into my lesson like a good student does and I realized that there was more to that statement than I first realized.

"How has relying on your 'own understanding' caused problems in your life?" Ouch!

Maybe I haven't given Him everything. I have to hang my head in shame. So many times I try to do it all my way. I want to be in charge of my daily life instead of letting Him have it. Have I given my heart and soul to Him? Yes. Have I given Him my daily life? A humbling No.

In James we are told not to plan for tomorrow without conferring with God and relying on Him for whatever comes. I've tried to trust in Him. I've tried to start my day asking Him what He wants me to do. But the rush of the day starts so fast. I feel like I live in the life of "Cheaper by the Dozen." Where can I find the peace to find time with God to give it to Him? Who says I have to find the peace first before going to the Peace Giver? That doesn't make sense.

I need to rethink this step. I need to look deep and see where all those hidden corners are that I've kept from Him. I need to be more honest and humble to give it ALL to Him.

Can Co-Dependency be Forced on Someone?

2009-10-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

If you've been following along, you will know that I suffer from co-dependency. Acknowledging it is the first step of recovery, but what if the world is out to stop you?

My co-dependency is with my husband who is ADD and my family on both sides. I finally realized what was happening and began the Celebrate Recovery program. I've been doing good, but I've been getting frustrated. No matter how hard I try to get out from under this burden, it seems that the world is out to stop me. Now, I'm realistic to know that there is always a way out but at the moment I think that I'm too caught up in it to see it.

I need to be more organized yet just when a day arrives that I've got it all together we are called to a four hour meeting. Now I am three days behind on my house chores, work projects, and need to catch up with the kids' work. So, I take the next day. Low and behold, a phone call comes. There is an emergency and we have to come. It is an emergency and we go. The next day is finally THE day to breath and take care of our responsibilities that are being ignored. A phone call comes from a friend we have not spoken to in years. Then someone drops by and stays for a few hours to visit. There goes that day again.

This is where I personally begin to pull my hair out. I'm constantly criticized about the condition of my house. it is never clean enough. I forget things. Well, I can't get the house clean because my job demands some time from me, the emergencies pop up and we cannot avoid them, how do you tell someone to go away when they come for a visit. Some of the same people who criticize me are the reason that I cannot seem to get it done.

It seems that my co-dependency is forced on me. I know that I have a choice, but so many times I really don't. I was called into a meeting yesterday that I tried to get out of because I did have some very important things that needed to be addressed. I was told that in no uncertain terms that I had to be there. End of discussion. Now, I did find out that I had to be there, but now I'm even more behind in my other responsibilities.

I think that I'm beginning to see where I need an outside person to help direct me when I'm too much in the middle of it all and cannot see it. I had that long meeting that was mandatory and my son is now angry that we have to do things today that we should have done yesterday. Not my fault, yet I end up dealing with the fallout and have to try to piece it all back together. That's where I lose it. The co-dependency then becomes my life. I am always at the mercy of everyone else's schedule and moods. My schedule has to come second and my moods are the issues.

See what co-dependency is? It leads many people to drinking and using drugs. They feel like they have no place to go. They feel like there is no way out. And to be honest I feel like that most of the time. But I do know that there is a way out. I've got to give more of the issue to God and let Him guide me. I'm told too much by the world and the family that I have to be the one in control and get all this done. Yet, I have to admit that I am powerless and only God has the power to save me.

Please save me, God. I want to know that I am a person that You love and care for instead of the person that belongs to everyone around me. I need to know that I can follow my calling and not be the mother or slave to others. I need to focus more on You. Please help me. Show me where I can make that time to grow closer to You. Show me where I can say no and not disrupt the universe. Show me when to submit and when to object. Show me where You want me to go and not where others do.

Recoverying Multitudes

2009-09-25T04:03:00.001-07:00

I've discovered since I began this program that everyone has more than one thing to recover from. You might initially begin the program for your drinking problem, but along the way you discover so many others that you need to address.

I began with needing to recover from my temper. I discovered as I went through the questions that the anger was only a symptom. It still needed to be addressed, but if I didn't work on the cause (co-dependency) then it would never really go away or get under control.

Having multiple things to recover from is not bad. You are not an evil person beyond hope because of it. A drug addict probably has a drinking problem, swearing problem, temper problem. The list could go on and on. You'll find yourself at different steps of the recovery, too which is alright. You can attend multiple step studies!

Check out Celebrate Recovery and what it can do for you!

Defining CoDependency #2

2009-09-04T01:01:00.000-07:00

A few days after receiving the shock that I was co-dependent, I went on to read description number two.

My good feelings about myself stem from others opinions about me.

Boy, did that describe me. Granted, I'm not a yes person who cannot do anything without seeking approval, but the need to have that approval is strong in my life. There are so many days in which I would leave a family gathering in tears because my cooking wasn't good enough, that my actions with my kids were criticized, that I didn't seem to do anything right. I would be depressed for days. I was co-dependent for sure.

It took a weekend in which I was constantly criticized for everything I did. They even went so far as to say that I needed to see a shrink to take care of my unresolved issues. I was so angry at God for forcing me to stay through the visit and for not pointing out to them that their actions were mean and hurtful. that fight with Him lasted 2 hours. It was an emotional 2 hours. At the end of it, guess who won?

God pointed out to me that I cannot change other people. I cannot change their actions, thoughts, or beliefs. I do not have the power. But I can change me. I can become a better person without needing their approval. I just need God's.

Today? I still get hurt when my cooking is criticized or something I have poured my whole heart into is ignored or downplayed, but in the end it doesn't effect me much. I look to God and His guidance over theirs. My sense of value comes from Him and Him alone.

Lesson 4 - Sanity

2009-08-21T06:02:00.000-07:00

I will freely admit that my life is insane. It has been since I married an ADHD person. But the definition that Pastor John Baker gives for it is the best I've ever heard.

"Insanity has been described as 'doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.'"

Wow! How accurate. We go through life doing the same things over and over again and getting nowhere.

My father was a die hard Kentucky Wildcat fan. I think that he bled blue. Game nights were sitting in front of the TV intently watching each player's move. But the "insanity" came in when a game was on during church or another very important event. He would tape it and then watch it when he got home. Then he would watch it again the next day, and again the next day, and again the next day. One time when he was watching it for about the eighth time, I sat down and watched a few minutes. I said, "You would think that as many times as this game has played that number 3 would realize that he would miss that shot."

Funny, but don't we do that in life? The insanity of my life is always expecting my family to be who they are not. Going through the same motions and expecting them to learn and grow when the message is not clear is insanity.

I need (as well as my family) to make decisions and take action based on wisdom and not on hope and desires. That is the only way sanity will show itself in my life.

Lesson 3 - Hope

2009-08-20T02:02:00.000-07:00

The first question asked in this lesson is where was I placing my hope before I started to rely on Jesus. My first instinct was to say Jesus. After all, He has always been my Lord. But I had begun to see the underlying truth in my life.

Where was I placing my hope? My own power. The approval of others. Both of which is worthless.

I cannot accomplish what needs to be done on my own power. I am so limited. I get exhausted. I have medical issues that worsen the more I rely on myself.

I will never get true approval from others. I will always lack in their eyes. They will always want to control my life.

I had to come to realize that I wasn't relying on God the way I should. I needed to ignore the other people and focus on Him. It isn't easy only because they are so loud in my life. But with God all things are possible.

Principle 2

2009-08-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

Principle two says that I need to "earnestly" believe that God exists and that He is the power that I need to seek to recover.

I'll be honest that this principle comes easy to me because I have believed in God my whole life and I know that He has the power to do ANYTHING. But do I actually act like I do? Do I really rely on Him and His power? In reality, no.

I think that I can do it myself. Why not, everyone else does it. They expect me to do it on my own power therefore I should. That is my co-dependency. I let others dictate my expectations and pathway instead of letting God guide me. It's not easy. I know I need to rely on God, but He is not like the people in my life who are in my face 24/7 nagging me and criticizing me. He is waiting on me to turn to Him.

This hurt. I believe in Him, but I have allowed others to control where I place my trust. No more. He is the only one that can help me, therefore I must rely only on Him and not on society or family for my recovery and future paths.

Principle 1 Verse - 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

2009-08-16T02:19:00.001-07:00

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.

Relying on God. Most people would say that they rely on Him each day. But do they really? Do we hand over to Him the stress of teenage kids? Do we rely on Him to handle your marriage problems? Do we rely on Him to help you find a job? Do you hand over to Him your emotional dilemmas? When we rely more on God, we see miracles that dreams could not conjure up. Only God can make the impossible look so easily done. The trials you are faces are not always death sentences. But they are real and they are not easy. But they are blessings. They are a chance to show that you can rely on Him and a chance for Him to show you just a little bit of what He can do. Give Him a chance. Give Him something to work with and sit back to watch the show.

Principle 1 verse - Jeremiah 6:14

2009-08-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.

What happens when you have an injury and you just ignore it? It usually gets worse. Infection can set in. If it is still not addressed, gangrene and death could await you. All this could have happened from a small innocent cut on the finger. We do that in the other areas of our life, also. We pretend that we don’t have any problems. We find ways to make the ugly pretty so that we can bury our heads in the sand and pretend that it is all a rose garden. We ignore the beatings, the extra drink or two, the inappropriate touches, the persistent desire for more and more, the urge to express our anger instead of our love, the extra 6 helpings of food, the fact that we never exchange polite words in our marriage anymore, anything that is dragging us down and hurting us. We apply dressing to the wound instead of medicating and seeking the much needed help to prevent more serious side effects. We think we’ve got it covered and all looks good. But when there is war, and you refuse to say there is anything but peace, the whole world sees the bombs exploding behind you and the fires of destruction burning. We lie to those in front of us. But worse, we lie to ourselves. Stop! Look at your life and see where you are hurt. See where you have been ignoring a “small” cut that now is swollen and infection is residing. Find where you need the help that only God can give. Find where you cannot cure it and find the ultimate cure. Stop living a fantasy. Start living a strength filled eternity.

Holding onto Anger and Resentment

2009-08-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not we all tend to hold onto anger and resentment in our lives. Some maybe more than others, but we do it.

I don't do it as bad as many I know, but shamefully I do. I have a hard time letting it go. Why? Because it always seem to happen over and over again. The same hurt occurs. The same pain. I used it as a way to protect myself. If I stayed angry and remembered the hurt, then I wouldn't put myself back in harm's way.

Now, I was not being physically harmed. But emotional pain is just as bad. Being told that you are a plain Jane, not graceful, ordinary, below par, and just not good enough tends to hurt. Over time you begin to hold that pain close to your heart and begin to hate those that tell you that all time.

But as I was using it as protection for myself, it was also creating a huge crater in my soul. It was festering and preventing me from growing as a child of God. What started off as good protection ended up being the cancer in my life. In fact it was enforcing my co-dependency because I was allowing all the painful words they said to control my life and my growth.

I had to admit that I was holding the anger and resentment and allowing it to control my life. Healing can be painful!

Defining Co-dependence #1

2009-08-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

I never thought that I was co-dependent until I read one of the flyers from Celebrate Recovery.

The first description was "My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you."

I have to admit that I didn't jump up and claim that this described me. Do I desire to be loved? Yes. Would knowing that my husband didn't love me devastate me? Yes. So I was ready to skip that description. But then I took it past my immediate family and hit the emotional brick wall.

So much of my self-esteem hung on the approval of my extended family including the in-laws. I was always trying to be accepted and loved. I would try to dress a certain way to get the approval. I would fix my hair a certain way. I tried to learn to cook better. I tried to be good at SOMETHING to get that pat on the back. And always failing. Depression would set in.

Oh, my. I can say yes to the first one. I do depend too much on others' approval for my self-worth.

I did not want to go on to the next one. This was devastating enough to me. I was never going to be good enough for any of them so why keep trying. I only need to please God and He cares about my heart and not about appearances.

Growing up is painful.

Lesson 2 - Ouch!

2009-08-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

Lesson 2 really hurt in Celebrate Recovery. It had to touch on the pride issue.

Pride is what stops us from getting better, seeking help, or growing up. We think that we are perfect. We don't want to admit that we make mistakes. But, guess what? We do.

Pride is not wanting to see the truth before us. Our issues are not that big. We've got it all under control. NOT! We just think that we do. We we go about our lives like this, we are unknowingly playing God.

We cannot get over our alcohol, drugs, co-dependency, or food addictions if we continue to think that we have it all together.

I had a hard time admitting my co-dependency. I was not a slave to anyone. They didn't tell me what to do. But I was deceiving myself. I was not standing on my own two feet. I was allowing family and friends and even society to dictate my life and not let God do it. I felt guilt when I didn't measure up to their expectations. I felt like a nobody when I wasn't good enough. My goals were set based on others opinions. My parenting was reactionary to all those trying to tell me what to do.

I didn't have it under control. I was spiraling in a world of opinions, self-loathing, and resentment.

I am not God! and neither are they!

1st Step

2009-08-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

I need to first face my denials. That can be hard. Since I'm already denying it, it is obvious that I don't want to face it. When I do that, I see my flaws.

We all have issues. One woman began to come to our recovery meetings and many of her answers and comments struck me as odd. Her words were that she had nothing to recover from and was here to learn to talk to addicts. As we got to know her, she needed to recover from pride and a judgmental attitude.

I denied my co-dependency for years. Maybe because I didn't have a name for it. I just pointed out the other people's roles in bringing chaos to my life. Now, they were doing that. If they weren't and I wasn't letting them, I wouldn't be co-dependent. My key word here is "letting". I realized that I was letting them walk over me and control me even though I fought it. I had to come to a point where I knew that I wasn't the one to control it all and they certainly weren't.

Because of my denials, I don't have good relationships with many of the people who controlled me. I fought with them. I argued with them. But because I thought it was supposed to be me in control, it was wrong. Now, we still have confrontations. But now I do it biblically. I seek God's Word. I let them know that I follow Him and not their earthly opinions and desires.

I'm on the road to recovery!

Principle One

2009-08-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

I read principle one that states: Realize that I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

At first I thought that I didn't need to focus on this one. I knew I wasn't God. I wouldn't dream of thinking I was Him. But then I got past the pride of knowing that first sentence to realize that there was more to that that I needed to listen to.

I've been told over and over that I should be in control of my life, my house, and my kids. Everything should be the way I set up. All outcomes should be expected by me. I should be able to work full time (ok, more than full time), come home to a husband and kids who have been home all day and know exactly where everything is. Because of that I always felt that I was so wrong and my goal in life should be the Mrs. Cleaver of the neighborhood though I was putting in 50 hours a week at work and at least another 20 for the church in my roles there. My life was chaos and I had to get it all calmed and organized.

Well, guess what? Yes, my life in unmanageable, but it is arrogant of me to think that I am the only one to get it under control. Only God can be the controller of my life and whenever I try to direct it the chaos continues.

This was a humbling discovery for me. In addition to having to realize that I'm not supermom and that I can't do it all, I had to deal with the anger that developed at the ones who were imposing that belief on me. Who were they to tell me that my house had to immaculate and my life perfectly laid out? Who were they to tell me where my priorities should be? Only my God can do all that, and He should be the only one I'm listening to.

I cannot dictate what tomorrow brings. I cannot dictate what today brings. I can plan, but I have to be aware that I live in a fallen world and chaos cannot be avoided when the things of the world are focused on.

Starting to Recover

2009-07-31T05:31:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest. I didn't know what I needed to recover from. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not hooked on drugs. What do I need recovery from?

My husband has a passion for those that are struggling with addictions and hurts in life. So one of the first ministries our new church did was Celebrate Recovery. I said that I would help lead the women's groups but I struggled so hard in what I was recovering from. I'm humble enough to admit that everyone has issues that they need to rise up from, but what specifically was mine?

I walked by the table with some of our flyers on it. I randomly picked up one and began to read the description. As I read each one, I began to feel like they wrote it just for me. Relief set in when I found a couple that didn't describe me, but overall this was me on the flyer. I was co-dependent.

So much of my life was dictated by other people. My husband is ADD. Our whole marriage has been me reacting to his disorganization and forgetfulness. Though I didn't have to have his approval before doing things or craved his attention, I did allow his actions to dictate my life. To take it further we both were co-dependent on our families. How many times our lives were pressured to change schedules or to appear somewhere despite the hardships placed on us is unimaginable? The guilt trips placed for not visiting so many times and the pressure to have fifty Christmas gifts despite being broke were all the time. So many issues in our marriage arose because of this. The end result? I needed to recover from co-dependency which led to many other issues such as anger, bitterness, and depression that I needed to recover from.

I realized that my problem over the years was losing my identity. Who am I? Am I just the wife, daughter, in-law, or sister? Do I even exist?

This is my road to recovery and to be a better person. Join me as I go down the road.