Learning to Say No!

I've rarely been able to say no in my life.  That is part of what makes me a co-dependent.  When I did say no, like to my parents, it only resulted in a huge fight.  If I did not want to wear those hideous shoes that were bought for me by my mother (who had good intentions), it was a huge blow up.  I learned to shut up, wear them, and cry myself to sleep because of the nasty comments others at school or church made to me.

It went on as I grew up.  Saying no to friends was hard.  I was darn lucky to not have anyone pressure me to drink or do drugs..  I might have done it just to prevent a fight.  Going on a date was whatever the guy wanted.  Why?  It was not place to say anything.

Being co-dependent is horrible.  You do not have a will of your own.  You struggle with feeling like a person.  You are just an extension of others.  I was the extension of my brother and sisters.  Whoever saw me only knew them and referred to me as their baby sister.  I obviously did not have a name.  I was only the smart kid in school.  No one I went to school with really knew who I was, what I loved, or what my dreams were.  I was just supposed to make the good grades.  In college I was really messed up.  I had roommates who tried to have me see a psychiatrist because I was sleeping a lot and trying to focus on my studies instead of staying up all night with them and goofing off.  All because I said no.  I tried to run and ended up with other roommates who tried to control me by telling who I should and should not date, when to go out, and everything else.

Getting married pushed me more into that mold.  I watched my mother do whatever my father wanted.  Okay, maybe not everything, but most things.  When she balked, there was an argument.  We ate where he wanted, went out when he wanted, watched the shows he wanted, and ate what he wanted.  He wasn't mean.  He was just very selfish because his mother spoiled him so.  He was a loving man but without knowing it he helped me become co-dependent.

I caved in to whatever my husband wanted.  We ended up in financial troubles because he is just not good at that sort of thing.  I gave into the husband without fighting for what I was good at and he was not.  After all, he is the husband.

Over the years I began to get so depressed because I was going in every direction everyone wanted me to go in.  Unfortunately, they were not all going the same way.  I was trying to satisfy everyone and ended up satisfying no one especially myself.

I could not say no.

Recently, I began to say no.  It felt so good.  Alright, at first it did not.  Everyone got angry and I caved in.  More miserable than I was before.  After a few attempts, I got better at not backing down.  They were still angry, but I felt a sense of power.  I felt that I was coming back and they were leaving my soul.  It was wonderful.

Saying no is one of the hardest things a co-dependent can do.  They are so used to not having a true say about anything.  They give in to whatever the other person wants even if it dangerous.  They are afraid of conflict because conflict turns out bad.  The stress from conflict is too much for them.  The other person will not love them as much.  They will lose a friend.  Their loved one will think less of them.

If you are struggling with Co-dependency, please keep your chin up.  You can succeed.  It will not happen overnight, but it will happen.  Just keep trying and find a good support group.  That is vital to recovery.  I'm still trying to find me which is why my recovery is slow.  But I will recover!

Trust Me, You Need Recovery

I wish I had a penny for every person who said that they did not need to recover from anything.  If you are breathing, you at the very least need to recover from pride.  There is always something to recover from.

Have you experienced hurt in the past?  It could come from a divorce, loss of a job, a child who parted from their training.  Everyone has hurt that follows them through life.  You have no idea how much this hurt effects you today even though it could be fifty years since it happened.

Have you ever seen the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood?  It is a great movie that even the guys will enjoy.  It is all about a young girl who is trying to deal with the problems in her life and understand herself while discovering more about her mother.  Her mother is not as simple as she thinks.  The young woman has the hurt of being physically hurt by her mother and having feelings of abandonment.  As she learns about her mother, she finds out that her mother suffered from hurt from her mother, father, loss of the love of her heart, the effects of alcohol, and not having a good support system around her.  Each one of them had hurts and without seeking cleansing of the gangrene in their emotional lives, passed the infection onto their families.

We all have them and when they are not dealt with, they fester and begin to eat at our lives.  They effect our marriage relations, the relationships with our children, our work life, and our spiritual growth. 

Think of the areas of your life that you can find no peace.  That is where there is an infection.  It might not be the whole source, but a doctor has to start where they see the infection before digging deeper.

Understanding Co-Dependency

I went through most of my life thinking that I was incompetent in everything.  My dreams were to always be set aside because others should always come first.  Now, my wants and desires should not be in the forefront, but they should also not be sacrificed for other people completely either.

When I read Celebrate Recovery's definition of co-dependency, I was shocked that I was reading about myself.  I did not realize how much I had turned everything about myself to others.  I always worried about pleasing others and being approved by them.  Now I understood why.

Many people push aside the idea that co-dependency is something to recover from.  They either have never experienced it or are living a lie.  It can be deadly.  Many people who find themselves in co-dependent relationship find that they lose their own identities.  They forget that they have feelings and desires.  They live only for the other person.

These co-dependent relationships are not just with a significant other though that is a huge percentage.  It can be with parents, siblings, other family members, bosses, friends.  Co-dependency can be with anyone. 

Who am I co-dependent to?  Everyone.  I long to be accepted and loved.  I want others to think good of me.  In the end I am miserable and depressed because I cannot achieve that.  I am never quite good enough.  I am never fully accepted.  There is always something more I need to do and then more after that.

In school I was always made fun of.  I was so self-conscious about the way I dressed, the way I talked, and the grades I made.  I was made fun of for making good grades, not having the highest grade, not wearing name brand clothes, my accent, my innocence, and the fact that I went to church on a regular basis.  Nothing I did helped me make friends in school.  I take that back.  When I tutored them, I was their best friend.

In my family, I wanted to be loved and be part of the group.  Instead, I was made fun of, reminded how much younger I was than my siblings, always put with the children even when I was a young adult, reminded of my lack of grace, and pretty much understood that my only accomplishment was good grade.

Later on, I was reminded of being the outcast and the new member of a family.  My "southern" traditions were always commented on and the fact that I did not jump right into their traditions always mentioned.  My cooking always needed help.  Not canceling other events for a last minute birthday party interpreted to mean that I did not care for them.  My housekeeping skills lacked completely.  My parenting was too harsh one day and too loose the next.

Around and around the whirlwind of co-dependency and my life began to fall completely apart.

Living My Life For Others

As the years went by I did not realize how much I was living my life to please others and failing horribly at it.  I did not make the right decisions.  I did not clean my house good enough.  I worked too much.  I needed to work more.  I was a complete failure. 

I began to notice depression creeping in more and more.  I needed a little encouragement and praise for the work I did.  Getting that was virtually non-existent.  My meal might not be the equal to Julia Child's cooking, but it wasn't nasty.  I began to think that I was no good at everything I touched.

This is a big sign of co-dependency as my life began to be directed by everyone else around me and it was made worse by everyone pulling me in opposite directions.  What was the right thing to do?  Who should I listen to?  My mind began a constant swirl that was quickly becoming a hurricane bent on destroying me.

The net tying me down in life began to fray when I realized the stupidity of those that were pinning me down.  We had a relative come visit one day.  I had just got home from 10 hours at work.  Husband and two young children were home all day.  We needed to sweep the floors and the broom was not where I usually kept it.  The visitor looked at me in shock and informed me that I was the woman of the house and should always know where things were even if I am not home.  What?  I am supposed to have this incredible power to control my husband while I am at work and make him put things where they belong?  I am worried about pleasing these people and the most ludicrous notions?  I began to look a little closer at how I was living my life.

People have this incredible need to have an opinion and push it off on other people.  This has been the majority of my life.  I always thought that I had to meet their approval and follow their words of "wisdom", aka opinion.  Opinions are not wisdom and are usually not from God.  They are opinions only.

Not knowing where my broom is does not mean that I am a bad person, mother, or housekeeping.  But that is how I took it.  I began to beat myself up and cry for several days because now that person thought bad of me.  I needed to feel loved and all I was getting was the message that I just wasn't good enough.

This is the power that others have over someone that is co-dependent.  Their feelings and self-esteem are driven by others.  They need to feel loved and accepted.  When they do not receive it, they fall deeper and deeper into other people's power as they try harder and harder to meet their approval.  It is a never ending vicious cycle that can only end in destruction if it is not stopped.

It was only when I saw the net fray that I realized that there was a world outside of that suffocating net.  God did not put that net on me.  I allowed other people do that do me.  He wants me to have freedom not condemnation from those around me.  I was determined that the net was to go away.

More to Learn

Getting married did put me into co-dependency even further.  I was under constant scrutiny on how I set up the house, how fast the wedding thank you notes went out, how I did everything.  From my side of the family, I got criticism on how my new husband did or did not do things.  From his side, I was criticized for doing things the way that they did.  I was so different.  I could not please anyone.  My cooking needed improvement.  My cleaning had a lot to be desired.  Over and over more comments were made on what I needed to fix.  According to all this I did nothing right.

I did not realize until years later that I was becoming co-dependent in my marriage.  My darling husband is ADD.  This means that his attention is not always where it needs to be.  When he walks into a room, he seems to draw everyone to him.  He is very sociable and loves to talk with people.  Before I knew it, I was just following him wherever.  I was an extreme introvert and he seemed to just take over me.  Years later I looked back and noticed how his ADD began to run out lives and take me down paths that were not fun.

Have you ever heard me describe marriage to an ADD person?  Well, it is something like this......

Everything is rosy at first.  You are walking hand and hand and side by side.  You are together in the journey.  In fact you comment on sights you see and when you come across an obstacle in your path, he helps you over it.  This is generally because it is all new and exciting to both of you.  But time changes all things.

Without realizing what is happening, you see that he is now walking a few feet ahead of you.  He still has your hand but almost seems to be pulling you a little.  He begins to point out things to you, but jumps to another before you have time comment.  Time continues on and now you find that he is no longer holding your hand as he is using his hands to pick up things or point out scenery.  You can to almost run to catch up to him.  You tie a rope around you both so that you can still stay somehow connected. 

Before long he is yards ahead of you.  As you pass through trees, he forgets to hold the tree limp and you get smacked in the face.  He begins to pull you forward and he begins to rush about looking at one thing and then another.  Periodically, he pauses long enough for you to catch up but not to catch your breath.

The rest of the journey is him going through life in a rush, literally pulling you behind.  You are running trying to keep up and as a result never get to see the scenery or the rock in the middle of the path that trips you.  You fall and are still being dragged since he has not noticed that you have fallen.  His attention is focused on something else.

You begin to notice how things are falling around you.  He is dropping important things.  As you are rushing to keep up, you are trying to pick up everything: utilities bills, children's activities, birthdays, messages, breath.  It becomes harder and harder.  Eventually, you can't pick up anything.  You are just along for the ride.  Who do people see?  Him with a blur behind him.

This does not mean that he does not love you.  In fact, he cares for you greatly.  It is just that he cannot focus on more than one thing at a time.

Before I knew it I had no identity.  I was someone's little sister, youngest child, in-law, and wife.  Did I have a name?  What was it and where did I fit in this place?   

Learning More About Myself

The more I go into my recovery the more I am finding out about myself.  I never realized how co-dependent I was.  In truth, I am horrified at how much I have allowed others to dictate and direct my life.  Only recently have I begun to stand up to them and stand on my own.

I have always worried what other people thought of me.  Throughout my school years I would hear the whispers as kids made fun of me.  They might not have thought anything of mocking my clothes, my accent, or how much I loved school.  In reality it was devastating to me.  These feelings began to direct the years that came later and led me deeper into co-dependency.

It did not help that I strove so hard for approval.  I loved school and did not need to be forced to make good grades.  Yet hearing the approval from my parents became crucial for me.  I felt that I had no other talents.  I could only make good grades.  I tried to hard to stand out as me, yet always felt like I was failing.  When we went back to Kentucky, people would see me and think that I was my sister.  Always my sister's name was mentioned before mine.  One person told me that as long as I lived, she would never die.  It got worse when people would be shocked that Mom and Dad had a fourth child.  You cannot imagine how many times I came across that.  Great!  Now I don't even exist in my own hometown.

But was it my hometown?  I didn't belong there anymore.  Yet, I didn't belong in Alabama either.  My accent let everyone know that I was not from there.  I never really felt accepted.  So I began to struggle to find myself and failed over and over.

I threw myself into college to make good grades.  But then I found someone who loved me for me.  My grades suffered, but it was worth it.  I had found love.  What I didn't realize that I was walking into further co-dependence that would force me to face it for what it was and make a decision that would forever change my life.

Lesson 4 - Sanity - Revisted

Boy, has it been emphasized how insane my life is.  Here, there, and everywhere at one time. 

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?"  That's another deep question.  Going on my own reactions and feelings has been detrimental in my life.  I get angry and if I react with that anger I say things that I later regret.  Emotions are given to us by God, but how we use them is usually not of Him. 

My emotions are usually that of flight.  I would love to crawl under a rock and hide from the world.  I hate to have confrontation with others.  I like peace and smooth sailing, yet if I act with my emotions, I run right into confrontation.  The feelings of hurt can cause a fight if I act on them.  The feelings of anger when wronged can cause a myriad of issues if I followed through.

Emotions can manipulated by others.  It is a feeling of the moment and not a true rock to stand on.  That is why it is wrong to fully rely on them and let them run our lives.

Emotions getting me into trouble?  By opening my mouth and speaking by thoughts.  This usually does  not turn out well.  I have shown myself as a child by relying on my emotions.  That is why when something happens in my life, I like to withdraw and think about it before reacting.  I need to understand my part in it and what I need to do about it.  Unfortunately, other people in my life want to push it and have it "out" right then and there.  They won't give me the chance to put emotion on the back burner.  Then they get angry that I acted on emotion.  This is where getting over co-dependency is hard when others are in your face all the time.  Give people time to solve their problems.  Let them think on them and let God talk to them.  They should be hearing God's voice and not yours.