Lesson 7 - Moral

Lesson 7 gets me started on my moral inventory.  This can be a difficult lesson.  In fact, this is where many people stop the 12 step program.  It is not easy facing your mistakes or even your successes.

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "List the things you have used to block the pain of your past."  This was a hard one for me.  I have to admit that because I do not drink and do drugs that I took a while to answer this.  This narrow-minded thought process is shameful.  There are so many ways to block the pain.  Alcohol and drugs are just one of the ways.  So now the internal struggle began as I tried to discover what I was doing and why.

I am one that tries to please everyone.  There is that darn co-dependency again.  The pain I felt from all those type D personalities was masked by me trying to gain their approval.  I tried to dress to please them and prevent negative comments.  I tried to do everything to appease them.  I had to realize that I would never do that.  My haircut was never going to be just right.  The way I disciplined my children was never going to be correct.  The way I cooked was never going to be above "OK".  I was never going to succeed.  I blocked my pain in denial and in striving to be someone I was not.

I once told someone in our small group discussion (I can repeat this since I was the one saying it) that my organization and anal tendencies were not the real me and not my nature.  Now those same type D people would say that I was not organized enough, but my immediate family would say that I was on the road to being too anal.  Why is that if that is not the real me?  Because I spent my life trying to be what others said I had to be.  I used to work about 50 hours a week in downtown Milwaukee.  My husband was home more than I was and the kids were always beating me home by about an hour.  One day a relative stopped by to visit.  She asked where the broom was so that she could sweep up a mess that was just made.  I answered honestly that I did not know.  Where I would place it was never where it could be found when I got home.  She looked at me in shock and dismay.  It was my responsibility to know where that broom was she informed me.  It was my house, right?  When I said that with me being gone at work so much, that there was a lot that I did not know.  I was informed that that was beside the point.  I should always know.  That weighed on me for years.  I put so much pressure on myself to work full-time and to be in control of a house that I really had no control over.  I mentally beat myself daily on how much of a failure I was because I did not have control of my house.  This also strained my marriage and my relation with my children.  I became an ogre and began to yell a lot.  Why weren't things left where I put them?  Why couldn't I do it all?  I was supposed to.  What others did not realize was that I was to work, manage a home, follow behind my children and my husband and still meet other responsibilities as they arose.  I began to melt down.  I could not do it all so why should I?

I hid my sense of failure in striving harder.  This made the number of failures increase and be more obvious.  I could not do it anymore.  The day this realization hit was painful.  I'm learning to be me.  I'm learning to look at others and say, "I don't care."  I will not live my life to please them.  I will live it only to please God.  If they don't like it, take it up with Him.  I cannot please everyone.  I will not try anymore.  I will not agree to things just so that they will think better of me.  I will not give up my family time to appease others.  I will not re-create myself to be what they want.  I will be what God wants.

Lesson 6 - Action

One of the questions asked in Lesson 6 is "What have you been able to turn over to God?"

This was a hard one for me.  After all, I am co-dependent which means that I do not have anything that I have control over to turn over.  Well, I might not have control over anything, but I do still have my clutches on things that I need to relinquish to God.  I'm trying to control it.  Though I never seem to have control.  I need to turn my day to day schedule over to God.

One night at about 2 am God and I had a very long and deep discussion.  I was about to pull my hair out.  God is not a ruler or creator of chaos.  So why is my day so chaotic?  Come on, God.  I'm trying to put order in my life.  Why does it seem that You are fighting against me and allowing the chaos to reign?  I could not get past these statements.  I repeated them over and over.  It was then that wonderful James rose up and spoke.

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money."  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."  As it is, you boast and brag.  All such boasting is evil.  Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (NIV, James 4:13-17)

I was trying to determine my day and what was going to happen.  There is nothing wrong with planning and making sure that crucial things are not missed.  What was I doing wrong?  Not dedicating my day to God and looking to Him about what I should and should not do.  That was my problem.

Do you know how hard this was for me?  I am not naturally an organizer.  I like to get up and go about my day doing whatever is before me.  The world around me forced me to change.  I was an accountant for 20 years.  Much of my job involved a multitude of tasks that had to be scheduled and could not be missed.  Lists became my best friend as they helped me to remember duties that had to be done.  This spilled over into my personal life.

I married an ADD guy.  Life with him was a roller coaster.  You never knew what each day held.  Unfortunately, that included the bills, where we lived, and other important things.  I began to create lists to help us to remember to pay bills, feed the pets, do regular chores, and such.  Why?  Because if it was not on the list, he would not do it.  Even if it was on the list he might not do it, but I would remember amid all my other "normal" duties and get it done.  This grew and grew to where everything in my life was a list.

Now, I still have to have lists.  My memory is getting way too faulty to cope.  God is not banning lists in my life.  What is He doing then?  Asking me to let Him make the list.  That's right.  Give Him the ultimate control of my life - my lists!

How do I do this?  I go ahead and make out my list for tomorrow as normal.  I never realized how ambitious I was.  When the list is made, I pray and ask God to take what needs to be removed and add what I have missed.  I about cry when He has me remove some items that I really want to do.  But in all honesty, I would not have been able to get it all done.

I feel better each day.  My lists are not as long and when they are they are made up of what He wants me to do and not what I want.  This is a huge difference.  He never fails.  His plans never are wrong.  Mine on the other hand.......

What is so Great About Celebrate Recovery?

One of the greatest things about Celebrate Recovery (CR) is the fact that is for anything.  You don't have to have a drug problem though many come to it for that very reason.  You don't have to have an alcohol problem though many come for that, too.  You don't have to have a sexual addiction though a surprising number come for that.  You can have a marriage problem which almost anyone married has.  You could have an eating addiction or disorder which is a lot more common than you realize.  You could suffer from co-dependency which I’m finding most people have.  You could have a hurt from your childhood or past relationships which I think everyone does to some degree.  You might have issues with your children which any parent does at some stage of their childhood.  You might have a bad habit of stealing.  Or you have just plain old pride that gets in everyone's way.  That hits every single person.  Anyone could benefit from CR because all it is doing is trying to get to the root of your problems and get your walk with Christ right.

What more could you ask for?  It helps to clean out the junk in your life and cleans out those rooms that we lock away and try to look at because they are so disgusting.  But the house will never be clean because the mold and mildew will spread to the other rooms quietly and deadly.  We have to bleach those rooms by allowing God to come in and clean it all out.  He is the ultimate housekeeper.  You don’t have to worry about anything getting missed if you are truly letting Him clean it all out.  CR is one of those tools to do just that.

Our group is growing as more and more realize that CR is for all of life's problems.  We have many with drug and alcohol problems but even they are discovering that that is not their real problems.  They have to go much deeper.  We are celebrating just a week or two of some people not cutting themselves.  We celebrate those “small” victories, because they are not small.  They are huge.  Any day that someone can go through and conquer their demons is a celebration.  Any day they cannot conquer is a day of prayer and support.

I highly suggest that you take a look at the material of CR.  You will be surprised and you will find that you might need this wonderful Bible study that goes so much further than normal studies.

Lesson 5 - Turn

This lesson starts you on step 3 which states: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Now at first glance, some of us would quickly say that we already have done this.  After all, I've been a Christian my whole life.  Yet, I got into my lesson like a good student does and I realized that there was more to that statement than I first realized.

"How has relying on your 'own understanding' caused problems in your life?"  Ouch!

Maybe I haven't given Him everything.  I have to hang my head in shame.  So many times I try to do it all my way.  I want to be in charge of my daily life instead of letting Him have it.  Have I given my heart and soul to Him?  Yes.  Have I given Him my daily life?  A humbling No.

In James we are told not to plan for tomorrow without conferring with God and relying on Him for whatever comes.  I've tried to trust in Him.  I've tried to start my day asking Him what He wants me to do.  But the rush of the day starts so fast.  I feel like I live in the life of "Cheaper by the Dozen."  Where can I find the peace to find time with God to give it to Him?  Who says I have to find the peace first before going to the Peace Giver?  That doesn't make sense.


I need to rethink this step.  I need to look deep and see where all those hidden corners are that I've kept from Him.  I need to be more honest and humble to give it ALL to Him.

Can Co-Dependency be Forced on Someone?

If you've been following along, you will know that I suffer from co-dependency. Acknowledging it is the first step of recovery, but what if the world is out to stop you?

My co-dependency is with my husband who is ADD and my family on both sides. I finally realized what was happening and began the Celebrate Recovery program. I've been doing good, but I've been getting frustrated. No matter how hard I try to get out from under this burden, it seems that the world is out to stop me. Now, I'm realistic to know that there is always a way out but at the moment I think that I'm too caught up in it to see it.

I need to be more organized yet just when a day arrives that I've got it all together we are called to a four hour meeting. Now I am three days behind on my house chores, work projects, and need to catch up with the kids' work. So, I take the next day. Low and behold, a phone call comes. There is an emergency and we have to come. It is an emergency and we go. The next day is finally THE day to breath and take care of our responsibilities that are being ignored. A phone call comes from a friend we have not spoken to in years. Then someone drops by and stays for a few hours to visit. There goes that day again.

This is where I personally begin to pull my hair out. I'm constantly criticized about the condition of my house. it is never clean enough. I forget things. Well, I can't get the house clean because my job demands some time from me, the emergencies pop up and we cannot avoid them, how do you tell someone to go away when they come for a visit. Some of the same people who criticize me are the reason that I cannot seem to get it done.

It seems that my co-dependency is forced on me. I know that I have a choice, but so many times I really don't. I was called into a meeting yesterday that I tried to get out of because I did have some very important things that needed to be addressed. I was told that in no uncertain terms that I had to be there. End of discussion. Now, I did find out that I had to be there, but now I'm even more behind in my other responsibilities.

I think that I'm beginning to see where I need an outside person to help direct me when I'm too much in the middle of it all and cannot see it. I had that long meeting that was mandatory and my son is now angry that we have to do things today that we should have done yesterday. Not my fault, yet I end up dealing with the fallout and have to try to piece it all back together. That's where I lose it. The co-dependency then becomes my life. I am always at the mercy of everyone else's schedule and moods. My schedule has to come second and my moods are the issues.

See what co-dependency is? It leads many people to drinking and using drugs. They feel like they have no place to go. They feel like there is no way out. And to be honest I feel like that most of the time. But I do know that there is a way out. I've got to give more of the issue to God and let Him guide me. I'm told too much by the world and the family that I have to be the one in control and get all this done. Yet, I have to admit that I am powerless and only God has the power to save me.

Please save me, God. I want to know that I am a person that You love and care for instead of the person that belongs to everyone around me. I need to know that I can follow my calling and not be the mother or slave to others. I need to focus more on You. Please help me. Show me where I can make that time to grow closer to You. Show me where I can say no and not disrupt the universe. Show me when to submit and when to object. Show me where You want me to go and not where others do.

Recoverying Multitudes

I've discovered since I began this program that everyone has more than one thing to recover from. You might initially begin the program for your drinking problem, but along the way you discover so many others that you need to address.

I began with needing to recover from my temper. I discovered as I went through the questions that the anger was only a symptom. It still needed to be addressed, but if I didn't work on the cause (co-dependency) then it would never really go away or get under control.

Having multiple things to recover from is not bad. You are not an evil person beyond hope because of it. A drug addict probably has a drinking problem, swearing problem, temper problem. The list could go on and on. You'll find yourself at different steps of the recovery, too which is alright. You can attend multiple step studies!

Check out Celebrate Recovery and what it can do for you!

Defining CoDependency #2

A few days after receiving the shock that I was co-dependent, I went on to read description number two.

My good feelings about myself stem from others opinions about me. 

Boy, did that describe me. Granted, I'm not a yes person who cannot do anything without seeking approval, but the need to have that approval is strong in my life.  There are so many days in which I would leave a family gathering in tears because my cooking wasn't good enough, that my actions with my kids were criticized, that I didn't seem to do anything right. I would be depressed for days. I was co-dependent for sure.

It took a weekend in which I was constantly criticized for everything I did. They even went so far as to say that I needed to see a shrink to take care of my unresolved issues. I was so angry at God for forcing me to stay through the visit and for not pointing out to them that their actions were mean and hurtful. that fight with Him lasted 2 hours. It was an emotional 2 hours. At the end of it, guess who won?

God pointed out to me that I cannot change other people. I cannot change their actions, thoughts, or beliefs. I do not have the power. But I can change me. I can become a better person without needing their approval. I just need God's.

Today? I still get hurt when my cooking is criticized or something I have poured my whole heart into is ignored or downplayed, but in the end it doesn't effect me much. I look to God and His guidance over theirs. My sense of value comes from Him and Him alone.