Copying Skills

Yes, I'm still battling with step one.  It is not as easy as you might think. Getting rid of any habit or hangup is not a light task.  It is extremely difficult.  Going back to step one, I was given the question: As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?  I never really recall trying to get attention.  Mainly because I don't think that I was ever ignored.  But protecting myself was another matter.  I did not suffer from physical abuse.  But I never took criticism well.  Most people don't, that is true, but I took every single thing as personal.  Why?  Because I heard what was said behind closed doors and the comments were meant to be personal.  The small barb was meant to penetrate.  I learned quickly that most people's comments were deliberate and on purpose.  I learned to get out of the line of fire by withdrawing into myself so that the stings were less potent.  It has served me well through adulthood.

When reprimanded or verbally attacked, I immediately clam up.  If my bosses addresses me down, I close my mouth and bury myself in my work.  I will not be jolly, happy, or anything.  I will just put my nose to the grind and try to stay out of the line of fire.  If a relative gets in my face and starts criticizing everything I do, I do the same and just bury myself in work.  This has worked well though it has been damaging.

Anytime we withdraw into ourselves we damage relationships.  We alienate ourselves and prevent healing.  Now, at the time it seems the smartest thing to do.  After all someone is on the warpath somewhere.  I hate conflict.  I avoid wherever I can.  Some people might not believe that, but when it is personal, I run for the hills.  Why?  Because I have too many scars that have yet to heal.  I don't need anymore salt on the wounds.  Yes, I know that I'm not pretty.  Yes, I know that I suck as a mother.  Yes, I know that my cooking has a lot to be desired.  Yes, I know that I don't do anything right.  Therefore, I hide.

Hiding is safer.  I only have myself to criticize.  But in doing so it has only emphasized my co-dependency.  Their opinions still factor in my life.  Their statements still drive me.  I am still dependent on them.  I think this really came to light when recently someone who rarely sees me and knows less about me than they think they do began the attack on how I need to do this better, not do this, and change this in my life.  It devastated me.  I was back at step one.  I realized this as I began to creep back into my shell and hide from everyone. 

I got angry.  When was I ever going to get over this?  Why can't I conquer it?  I don't want to be co-dependent yet I crave their approval.  I don't want them to worship me, but I would like a little love and support.  That is all I ask for.

Ironically, I do get that from some dear friends.  And I deeply appreciate them for that.  I just would like it from those that profess to care also.  It is still a work in progress.  I've got to learn better copying skills.