Lesson 2 Revisted

Since I had to return to step one, I went all the way back to lesson 1 and am working my way up.  I'm determined to do this.  I want complete recovery in my life.

The question posed to me today was "In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?"  I almost skipped past this question.  Not because I was ashamed, but because at first I wanted to say that I did nothing.  But I forced myself to return to it and look deeper.  I tried to bury it.  That was my escape.

Once I got over the initial pain and the wallowing in confusion and anger, I moved on.  I wanted to forget that part of my life.  I did revisit it periodically, but I never wanted to face it again.  I buried it as far from me as possible.  When I revisited, I tried to heap more dirt on it to hide and never see it.  The problem is that the pain is always there and you are reminded of it no matter how hard you try to forget.

One pain was from my childhood.  I was accused of lying about something that I had nothing to do with.  The relative had to tell everyone at the family gathering the next day how I had lied and would not be honest.  The truth was that my mother had just reprimanded me for tattling.  By not telling on someone else, I was the guilty party.  I cried and cried.  My mother unraveled the story from me and confronted the relative about it all.  Their answer was that I should have told the truth.  To this day I dread talking to her because I am scared deep down inside of being accused again.  The pain was never addressed so therefore it continues on.

Whenever I got put on the spot about anything after that, I withdrew and tried to hide myself and the problem.  A boy I had dated and his friends decided that because I would not let him kiss me that I was a tease.  I tried to explain that my first kiss was to be something special and with the one I felt that I was in love with.  I was way to young to be thinking of such things but that did not matter.  They got nasty and told all sorts of things about me and even said some nasty things in the school paper.  I wanted to die.  Once again I was up against the wall with the firing squad and I wish the earth would have swallowed me up.  I did get an apology from a few of them when they realized the whole truth.  But to this day I feel the pain when I see his name.

A misunderstanding occurred between myself and a relative.  Communication was at the core of the problem.  The pain arose from the nasty things they said about me to others including my children.  Though we mended the rift, it really was a sloppy job of stitches.  The scar is still there and I really feel uncomfortable around them.  Why?  Because it was pushed under the rug and never really addressed.  It was brought up several times since then and almost repeated many other times.  The problem is still there but no one wants to address it.  I have to hide the pain to keep going.

Over the years I have come realize that dealing with pain there can be no indirect solution.  It has to be addressed head on properly or gangrene will set in.  When the pain is ignored or pushed aside, we invite the devil to come in and make it more rancid.  We don't want to face our part in the issue.  We don't want to relive the emotions that ripped us apart, but how else can you heal? 

My husband had acquired MRSA in his wrist.  The doctors had to dig down into it and clean out all the junk before administering the antibiotic.  He almost passed out from the pain.  It was worse than the infection itself, but death could occur if not addressed at all.  The pain had to be faced in order to be eliminated.  The same has to be said about our emotional pain.

I'm learning that maybe I need to be more open to cleansing out my wound without making it worse.  I need to face my pain instead of hiding it.  Thank goodness I have the greatest Physician of all.