Join Me on a Journey

My church began a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. At first I was like so many that thought that this was only for alcoholism and drug addiction. How wrong I was! This program addresses everything you can possibly imagine. It is applicable to every person. We all have something to recover from even it is just plain old pride. Join me in my journey to recover from co-dependency and any thing else I will happen to discover on this journey.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Lesson 2 Revisted

Since I had to return to step one, I went all the way back to lesson 1 and am working my way up.  I'm determined to do this.  I want complete recovery in my life.

The question posed to me today was "In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?"  I almost skipped past this question.  Not because I was ashamed, but because at first I wanted to say that I did nothing.  But I forced myself to return to it and look deeper.  I tried to bury it.  That was my escape.

Once I got over the initial pain and the wallowing in confusion and anger, I moved on.  I wanted to forget that part of my life.  I did revisit it periodically, but I never wanted to face it again.  I buried it as far from me as possible.  When I revisited, I tried to heap more dirt on it to hide and never see it.  The problem is that the pain is always there and you are reminded of it no matter how hard you try to forget.

One pain was from my childhood.  I was accused of lying about something that I had nothing to do with.  The relative had to tell everyone at the family gathering the next day how I had lied and would not be honest.  The truth was that my mother had just reprimanded me for tattling.  By not telling on someone else, I was the guilty party.  I cried and cried.  My mother unraveled the story from me and confronted the relative about it all.  Their answer was that I should have told the truth.  To this day I dread talking to her because I am scared deep down inside of being accused again.  The pain was never addressed so therefore it continues on.

Whenever I got put on the spot about anything after that, I withdrew and tried to hide myself and the problem.  A boy I had dated and his friends decided that because I would not let him kiss me that I was a tease.  I tried to explain that my first kiss was to be something special and with the one I felt that I was in love with.  I was way to young to be thinking of such things but that did not matter.  They got nasty and told all sorts of things about me and even said some nasty things in the school paper.  I wanted to die.  Once again I was up against the wall with the firing squad and I wish the earth would have swallowed me up.  I did get an apology from a few of them when they realized the whole truth.  But to this day I feel the pain when I see his name.

A misunderstanding occurred between myself and a relative.  Communication was at the core of the problem.  The pain arose from the nasty things they said about me to others including my children.  Though we mended the rift, it really was a sloppy job of stitches.  The scar is still there and I really feel uncomfortable around them.  Why?  Because it was pushed under the rug and never really addressed.  It was brought up several times since then and almost repeated many other times.  The problem is still there but no one wants to address it.  I have to hide the pain to keep going.

Over the years I have come realize that dealing with pain there can be no indirect solution.  It has to be addressed head on properly or gangrene will set in.  When the pain is ignored or pushed aside, we invite the devil to come in and make it more rancid.  We don't want to face our part in the issue.  We don't want to relive the emotions that ripped us apart, but how else can you heal? 

My husband had acquired MRSA in his wrist.  The doctors had to dig down into it and clean out all the junk before administering the antibiotic.  He almost passed out from the pain.  It was worse than the infection itself, but death could occur if not addressed at all.  The pain had to be faced in order to be eliminated.  The same has to be said about our emotional pain.

I'm learning that maybe I need to be more open to cleansing out my wound without making it worse.  I need to face my pain instead of hiding it.  Thank goodness I have the greatest Physician of all.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Copying Skills

Yes, I'm still battling with step one.  It is not as easy as you might think. Getting rid of any habit or hangup is not a light task.  It is extremely difficult.  Going back to step one, I was given the question: As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?  I never really recall trying to get attention.  Mainly because I don't think that I was ever ignored.  But protecting myself was another matter.  I did not suffer from physical abuse.  But I never took criticism well.  Most people don't, that is true, but I took every single thing as personal.  Why?  Because I heard what was said behind closed doors and the comments were meant to be personal.  The small barb was meant to penetrate.  I learned quickly that most people's comments were deliberate and on purpose.  I learned to get out of the line of fire by withdrawing into myself so that the stings were less potent.  It has served me well through adulthood.

When reprimanded or verbally attacked, I immediately clam up.  If my bosses addresses me down, I close my mouth and bury myself in my work.  I will not be jolly, happy, or anything.  I will just put my nose to the grind and try to stay out of the line of fire.  If a relative gets in my face and starts criticizing everything I do, I do the same and just bury myself in work.  This has worked well though it has been damaging.

Anytime we withdraw into ourselves we damage relationships.  We alienate ourselves and prevent healing.  Now, at the time it seems the smartest thing to do.  After all someone is on the warpath somewhere.  I hate conflict.  I avoid wherever I can.  Some people might not believe that, but when it is personal, I run for the hills.  Why?  Because I have too many scars that have yet to heal.  I don't need anymore salt on the wounds.  Yes, I know that I'm not pretty.  Yes, I know that I suck as a mother.  Yes, I know that my cooking has a lot to be desired.  Yes, I know that I don't do anything right.  Therefore, I hide.

Hiding is safer.  I only have myself to criticize.  But in doing so it has only emphasized my co-dependency.  Their opinions still factor in my life.  Their statements still drive me.  I am still dependent on them.  I think this really came to light when recently someone who rarely sees me and knows less about me than they think they do began the attack on how I need to do this better, not do this, and change this in my life.  It devastated me.  I was back at step one.  I realized this as I began to creep back into my shell and hide from everyone. 

I got angry.  When was I ever going to get over this?  Why can't I conquer it?  I don't want to be co-dependent yet I crave their approval.  I don't want them to worship me, but I would like a little love and support.  That is all I ask for.

Ironically, I do get that from some dear friends.  And I deeply appreciate them for that.  I just would like it from those that profess to care also.  It is still a work in progress.  I've got to learn better copying skills.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Recovery is Ongoing

I think that this past week I was still at step one.  I hit a depression like none other.  I found myself seeing only the criticism and the rejection.  I longed for approval.  Then amazingly I got it.  What did I do?  I asked if there was a sudden freeze way down below and how soon would the thaw be.

Never satisfied am I?  I really am at step one again.  I have to learn to turn more to God and forget the others.  I do not need their approval.  What I need is to get my spiritual walk where it should be and then it will all fall into place.  Alright!  Easier said than done. 

I am not in control of anything except my reaction to situations.  I cannot control how my kids feel, my husband's actions, my family's tongue, my friends' comments, the economy, the White House, the earthquakes........  Shall I go on.  I can approach each with wisdom and prayer.  I can be in control of that and that alone. 

I might not have an alcohol problem or dealing with the misuse of drugs, but folks that doesn't mean that I don't have something to recover from.  Life hurts and it can take a lot to recover from.  Don't let pride be the only thing that is holding you back (honestly, you do need to recover from that, too).  Turn to God and let Him have it.

If you are interested to learn more about the Celebrate Recovery program, please let me know.