Learning to Say No!

I've rarely been able to say no in my life.  That is part of what makes me a co-dependent.  When I did say no, like to my parents, it only resulted in a huge fight.  If I did not want to wear those hideous shoes that were bought for me by my mother (who had good intentions), it was a huge blow up.  I learned to shut up, wear them, and cry myself to sleep because of the nasty comments others at school or church made to me.

It went on as I grew up.  Saying no to friends was hard.  I was darn lucky to not have anyone pressure me to drink or do drugs..  I might have done it just to prevent a fight.  Going on a date was whatever the guy wanted.  Why?  It was not place to say anything.

Being co-dependent is horrible.  You do not have a will of your own.  You struggle with feeling like a person.  You are just an extension of others.  I was the extension of my brother and sisters.  Whoever saw me only knew them and referred to me as their baby sister.  I obviously did not have a name.  I was only the smart kid in school.  No one I went to school with really knew who I was, what I loved, or what my dreams were.  I was just supposed to make the good grades.  In college I was really messed up.  I had roommates who tried to have me see a psychiatrist because I was sleeping a lot and trying to focus on my studies instead of staying up all night with them and goofing off.  All because I said no.  I tried to run and ended up with other roommates who tried to control me by telling who I should and should not date, when to go out, and everything else.

Getting married pushed me more into that mold.  I watched my mother do whatever my father wanted.  Okay, maybe not everything, but most things.  When she balked, there was an argument.  We ate where he wanted, went out when he wanted, watched the shows he wanted, and ate what he wanted.  He wasn't mean.  He was just very selfish because his mother spoiled him so.  He was a loving man but without knowing it he helped me become co-dependent.

I caved in to whatever my husband wanted.  We ended up in financial troubles because he is just not good at that sort of thing.  I gave into the husband without fighting for what I was good at and he was not.  After all, he is the husband.

Over the years I began to get so depressed because I was going in every direction everyone wanted me to go in.  Unfortunately, they were not all going the same way.  I was trying to satisfy everyone and ended up satisfying no one especially myself.

I could not say no.

Recently, I began to say no.  It felt so good.  Alright, at first it did not.  Everyone got angry and I caved in.  More miserable than I was before.  After a few attempts, I got better at not backing down.  They were still angry, but I felt a sense of power.  I felt that I was coming back and they were leaving my soul.  It was wonderful.

Saying no is one of the hardest things a co-dependent can do.  They are so used to not having a true say about anything.  They give in to whatever the other person wants even if it dangerous.  They are afraid of conflict because conflict turns out bad.  The stress from conflict is too much for them.  The other person will not love them as much.  They will lose a friend.  Their loved one will think less of them.

If you are struggling with Co-dependency, please keep your chin up.  You can succeed.  It will not happen overnight, but it will happen.  Just keep trying and find a good support group.  That is vital to recovery.  I'm still trying to find me which is why my recovery is slow.  But I will recover!

Trust Me, You Need Recovery

I wish I had a penny for every person who said that they did not need to recover from anything.  If you are breathing, you at the very least need to recover from pride.  There is always something to recover from.

Have you experienced hurt in the past?  It could come from a divorce, loss of a job, a child who parted from their training.  Everyone has hurt that follows them through life.  You have no idea how much this hurt effects you today even though it could be fifty years since it happened.

Have you ever seen the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood?  It is a great movie that even the guys will enjoy.  It is all about a young girl who is trying to deal with the problems in her life and understand herself while discovering more about her mother.  Her mother is not as simple as she thinks.  The young woman has the hurt of being physically hurt by her mother and having feelings of abandonment.  As she learns about her mother, she finds out that her mother suffered from hurt from her mother, father, loss of the love of her heart, the effects of alcohol, and not having a good support system around her.  Each one of them had hurts and without seeking cleansing of the gangrene in their emotional lives, passed the infection onto their families.

We all have them and when they are not dealt with, they fester and begin to eat at our lives.  They effect our marriage relations, the relationships with our children, our work life, and our spiritual growth. 

Think of the areas of your life that you can find no peace.  That is where there is an infection.  It might not be the whole source, but a doctor has to start where they see the infection before digging deeper.

Understanding Co-Dependency

I went through most of my life thinking that I was incompetent in everything.  My dreams were to always be set aside because others should always come first.  Now, my wants and desires should not be in the forefront, but they should also not be sacrificed for other people completely either.

When I read Celebrate Recovery's definition of co-dependency, I was shocked that I was reading about myself.  I did not realize how much I had turned everything about myself to others.  I always worried about pleasing others and being approved by them.  Now I understood why.

Many people push aside the idea that co-dependency is something to recover from.  They either have never experienced it or are living a lie.  It can be deadly.  Many people who find themselves in co-dependent relationship find that they lose their own identities.  They forget that they have feelings and desires.  They live only for the other person.

These co-dependent relationships are not just with a significant other though that is a huge percentage.  It can be with parents, siblings, other family members, bosses, friends.  Co-dependency can be with anyone. 

Who am I co-dependent to?  Everyone.  I long to be accepted and loved.  I want others to think good of me.  In the end I am miserable and depressed because I cannot achieve that.  I am never quite good enough.  I am never fully accepted.  There is always something more I need to do and then more after that.

In school I was always made fun of.  I was so self-conscious about the way I dressed, the way I talked, and the grades I made.  I was made fun of for making good grades, not having the highest grade, not wearing name brand clothes, my accent, my innocence, and the fact that I went to church on a regular basis.  Nothing I did helped me make friends in school.  I take that back.  When I tutored them, I was their best friend.

In my family, I wanted to be loved and be part of the group.  Instead, I was made fun of, reminded how much younger I was than my siblings, always put with the children even when I was a young adult, reminded of my lack of grace, and pretty much understood that my only accomplishment was good grade.

Later on, I was reminded of being the outcast and the new member of a family.  My "southern" traditions were always commented on and the fact that I did not jump right into their traditions always mentioned.  My cooking always needed help.  Not canceling other events for a last minute birthday party interpreted to mean that I did not care for them.  My housekeeping skills lacked completely.  My parenting was too harsh one day and too loose the next.

Around and around the whirlwind of co-dependency and my life began to fall completely apart.

Living My Life For Others

As the years went by I did not realize how much I was living my life to please others and failing horribly at it.  I did not make the right decisions.  I did not clean my house good enough.  I worked too much.  I needed to work more.  I was a complete failure. 

I began to notice depression creeping in more and more.  I needed a little encouragement and praise for the work I did.  Getting that was virtually non-existent.  My meal might not be the equal to Julia Child's cooking, but it wasn't nasty.  I began to think that I was no good at everything I touched.

This is a big sign of co-dependency as my life began to be directed by everyone else around me and it was made worse by everyone pulling me in opposite directions.  What was the right thing to do?  Who should I listen to?  My mind began a constant swirl that was quickly becoming a hurricane bent on destroying me.

The net tying me down in life began to fray when I realized the stupidity of those that were pinning me down.  We had a relative come visit one day.  I had just got home from 10 hours at work.  Husband and two young children were home all day.  We needed to sweep the floors and the broom was not where I usually kept it.  The visitor looked at me in shock and informed me that I was the woman of the house and should always know where things were even if I am not home.  What?  I am supposed to have this incredible power to control my husband while I am at work and make him put things where they belong?  I am worried about pleasing these people and the most ludicrous notions?  I began to look a little closer at how I was living my life.

People have this incredible need to have an opinion and push it off on other people.  This has been the majority of my life.  I always thought that I had to meet their approval and follow their words of "wisdom", aka opinion.  Opinions are not wisdom and are usually not from God.  They are opinions only.

Not knowing where my broom is does not mean that I am a bad person, mother, or housekeeping.  But that is how I took it.  I began to beat myself up and cry for several days because now that person thought bad of me.  I needed to feel loved and all I was getting was the message that I just wasn't good enough.

This is the power that others have over someone that is co-dependent.  Their feelings and self-esteem are driven by others.  They need to feel loved and accepted.  When they do not receive it, they fall deeper and deeper into other people's power as they try harder and harder to meet their approval.  It is a never ending vicious cycle that can only end in destruction if it is not stopped.

It was only when I saw the net fray that I realized that there was a world outside of that suffocating net.  God did not put that net on me.  I allowed other people do that do me.  He wants me to have freedom not condemnation from those around me.  I was determined that the net was to go away.

More to Learn

Getting married did put me into co-dependency even further.  I was under constant scrutiny on how I set up the house, how fast the wedding thank you notes went out, how I did everything.  From my side of the family, I got criticism on how my new husband did or did not do things.  From his side, I was criticized for doing things the way that they did.  I was so different.  I could not please anyone.  My cooking needed improvement.  My cleaning had a lot to be desired.  Over and over more comments were made on what I needed to fix.  According to all this I did nothing right.

I did not realize until years later that I was becoming co-dependent in my marriage.  My darling husband is ADD.  This means that his attention is not always where it needs to be.  When he walks into a room, he seems to draw everyone to him.  He is very sociable and loves to talk with people.  Before I knew it, I was just following him wherever.  I was an extreme introvert and he seemed to just take over me.  Years later I looked back and noticed how his ADD began to run out lives and take me down paths that were not fun.

Have you ever heard me describe marriage to an ADD person?  Well, it is something like this......

Everything is rosy at first.  You are walking hand and hand and side by side.  You are together in the journey.  In fact you comment on sights you see and when you come across an obstacle in your path, he helps you over it.  This is generally because it is all new and exciting to both of you.  But time changes all things.

Without realizing what is happening, you see that he is now walking a few feet ahead of you.  He still has your hand but almost seems to be pulling you a little.  He begins to point out things to you, but jumps to another before you have time comment.  Time continues on and now you find that he is no longer holding your hand as he is using his hands to pick up things or point out scenery.  You can to almost run to catch up to him.  You tie a rope around you both so that you can still stay somehow connected. 

Before long he is yards ahead of you.  As you pass through trees, he forgets to hold the tree limp and you get smacked in the face.  He begins to pull you forward and he begins to rush about looking at one thing and then another.  Periodically, he pauses long enough for you to catch up but not to catch your breath.

The rest of the journey is him going through life in a rush, literally pulling you behind.  You are running trying to keep up and as a result never get to see the scenery or the rock in the middle of the path that trips you.  You fall and are still being dragged since he has not noticed that you have fallen.  His attention is focused on something else.

You begin to notice how things are falling around you.  He is dropping important things.  As you are rushing to keep up, you are trying to pick up everything: utilities bills, children's activities, birthdays, messages, breath.  It becomes harder and harder.  Eventually, you can't pick up anything.  You are just along for the ride.  Who do people see?  Him with a blur behind him.

This does not mean that he does not love you.  In fact, he cares for you greatly.  It is just that he cannot focus on more than one thing at a time.

Before I knew it I had no identity.  I was someone's little sister, youngest child, in-law, and wife.  Did I have a name?  What was it and where did I fit in this place?   

Learning More About Myself

The more I go into my recovery the more I am finding out about myself.  I never realized how co-dependent I was.  In truth, I am horrified at how much I have allowed others to dictate and direct my life.  Only recently have I begun to stand up to them and stand on my own.

I have always worried what other people thought of me.  Throughout my school years I would hear the whispers as kids made fun of me.  They might not have thought anything of mocking my clothes, my accent, or how much I loved school.  In reality it was devastating to me.  These feelings began to direct the years that came later and led me deeper into co-dependency.

It did not help that I strove so hard for approval.  I loved school and did not need to be forced to make good grades.  Yet hearing the approval from my parents became crucial for me.  I felt that I had no other talents.  I could only make good grades.  I tried to hard to stand out as me, yet always felt like I was failing.  When we went back to Kentucky, people would see me and think that I was my sister.  Always my sister's name was mentioned before mine.  One person told me that as long as I lived, she would never die.  It got worse when people would be shocked that Mom and Dad had a fourth child.  You cannot imagine how many times I came across that.  Great!  Now I don't even exist in my own hometown.

But was it my hometown?  I didn't belong there anymore.  Yet, I didn't belong in Alabama either.  My accent let everyone know that I was not from there.  I never really felt accepted.  So I began to struggle to find myself and failed over and over.

I threw myself into college to make good grades.  But then I found someone who loved me for me.  My grades suffered, but it was worth it.  I had found love.  What I didn't realize that I was walking into further co-dependence that would force me to face it for what it was and make a decision that would forever change my life.

Lesson 4 - Sanity - Revisted

Boy, has it been emphasized how insane my life is.  Here, there, and everywhere at one time. 

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?"  That's another deep question.  Going on my own reactions and feelings has been detrimental in my life.  I get angry and if I react with that anger I say things that I later regret.  Emotions are given to us by God, but how we use them is usually not of Him. 

My emotions are usually that of flight.  I would love to crawl under a rock and hide from the world.  I hate to have confrontation with others.  I like peace and smooth sailing, yet if I act with my emotions, I run right into confrontation.  The feelings of hurt can cause a fight if I act on them.  The feelings of anger when wronged can cause a myriad of issues if I followed through.

Emotions can manipulated by others.  It is a feeling of the moment and not a true rock to stand on.  That is why it is wrong to fully rely on them and let them run our lives.

Emotions getting me into trouble?  By opening my mouth and speaking by thoughts.  This usually does  not turn out well.  I have shown myself as a child by relying on my emotions.  That is why when something happens in my life, I like to withdraw and think about it before reacting.  I need to understand my part in it and what I need to do about it.  Unfortunately, other people in my life want to push it and have it "out" right then and there.  They won't give me the chance to put emotion on the back burner.  Then they get angry that I acted on emotion.  This is where getting over co-dependency is hard when others are in your face all the time.  Give people time to solve their problems.  Let them think on them and let God talk to them.  They should be hearing God's voice and not yours.

Success

I thought that I would be sitting back at steps one and two forever, but as I was talking with a friend regarding my co-dependency I realized that I was moving along those steps better than I had thought.  I was starting to say no to those that wanted to rope me in.  I was beginning to stand on my own two feet.

My problem in that so many people in my life want to control my life.  They tell me how I should dress, talk, feel, discipline my children, answer my phone, spend my day, and which job to take.  There is really not one area of my life where someone is not trying to point out that if I would listen to them all my problems would be over.  The problem is that my feelings, passions, and self are ignored and basically told not important.

I have started telling people no.  When they want to influence my day to day life, I say that I will do what I need to do and if their actions try to cause me to get off the track of what HAS to be done then it is their problem.  For example, my husband who I am the most co-dependent to will panic because he needs to run to town because he forgot to do it yesterday.  Tough luck!  We are down to one car and I need it to take the kids to the doctor and get to work.  My life cannot go on hold because somebody else did not do what was needed.  They have to accept the consequences of their actions instead of me sacrificing everything to help them avoid the end result.  It might sound selfish to some people, but when you are a co-dependent you find that those people begin to take you for granted and assume that you will give up a job interview or anything else important for their wants and panic attacks.  Your life is really theirs.  You find that you have no identity and that you really do not exist. 

Unless you have fully recognized your co-dependency you cannot understand what it means to never be able to fulfill a dream or work on a hobby all because someone else demands your time.  They want you to do what they want when they want you to.  They expect you to drop everything just because they sneeze.  A co-dependent does not exist.  They are the shadow of the other person.

I'm beginning to break free.  If I have a deadline or a responsibility that needs to be met, then I make sure that it is done.  No more will I put off things that are required of me because someone else in my just wants to control me or because they have made mistakes in their daily life that flows into mine.  I don't care anymore if I am acceptable to someone else or if I meet their approval.  I don't care as long as I am doing what God requires of me.  It might not make others happy, but it is what God wants of me.  

I am a child of God and not the puppet of others.  I am a person with feelings and not the toy of others.  I need support and not control.

Lesson 3 - Revisted - Hope

Hope starts off with Higher Power.  That has to be with Jesus.  It cannot be with another person, our own strength, or with any tools this world has to offer.  It has to be with Jesus.  He can do so much for us if we will only let Him.  According to Romans 11:36, "Everything comes from God alone.  Everything lives by his power." (TLB)

How can this apply to recovering from co-dependency?   More than you can possibly imagine.  What does a co-dependent search for?  The approval and acceptance of other people.  They look for others to give them a sense of self-worth and identity.  That is wrong.  It can only come from God.  The approval we need and the acceptance we crave needs to come from Him and Him alone.  He cannot fail us.  He cannot let us down.  He will not abuse us or reject us.  He loves us and cares for us.

Co-dependency can be very deceptive.  Most of the people the we are co-dependent to are close family members.  We cannot get rid of them so this becomes a difficult challenge in our recovery.  Because of that we have to rely more and more on God.  He needs to totally replace the other people in our life.  We are not defined by them.  We are defined by Him.

If you are a co-dependent, get into the Word more and get closer to God.  Let Him guide you and protect you when faced with those that you are co-dependent with.  He is the ultimate source of strength that you need.

Lesson 2 Revisted

Since I had to return to step one, I went all the way back to lesson 1 and am working my way up.  I'm determined to do this.  I want complete recovery in my life.

The question posed to me today was "In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?"  I almost skipped past this question.  Not because I was ashamed, but because at first I wanted to say that I did nothing.  But I forced myself to return to it and look deeper.  I tried to bury it.  That was my escape.

Once I got over the initial pain and the wallowing in confusion and anger, I moved on.  I wanted to forget that part of my life.  I did revisit it periodically, but I never wanted to face it again.  I buried it as far from me as possible.  When I revisited, I tried to heap more dirt on it to hide and never see it.  The problem is that the pain is always there and you are reminded of it no matter how hard you try to forget.

One pain was from my childhood.  I was accused of lying about something that I had nothing to do with.  The relative had to tell everyone at the family gathering the next day how I had lied and would not be honest.  The truth was that my mother had just reprimanded me for tattling.  By not telling on someone else, I was the guilty party.  I cried and cried.  My mother unraveled the story from me and confronted the relative about it all.  Their answer was that I should have told the truth.  To this day I dread talking to her because I am scared deep down inside of being accused again.  The pain was never addressed so therefore it continues on.

Whenever I got put on the spot about anything after that, I withdrew and tried to hide myself and the problem.  A boy I had dated and his friends decided that because I would not let him kiss me that I was a tease.  I tried to explain that my first kiss was to be something special and with the one I felt that I was in love with.  I was way to young to be thinking of such things but that did not matter.  They got nasty and told all sorts of things about me and even said some nasty things in the school paper.  I wanted to die.  Once again I was up against the wall with the firing squad and I wish the earth would have swallowed me up.  I did get an apology from a few of them when they realized the whole truth.  But to this day I feel the pain when I see his name.

A misunderstanding occurred between myself and a relative.  Communication was at the core of the problem.  The pain arose from the nasty things they said about me to others including my children.  Though we mended the rift, it really was a sloppy job of stitches.  The scar is still there and I really feel uncomfortable around them.  Why?  Because it was pushed under the rug and never really addressed.  It was brought up several times since then and almost repeated many other times.  The problem is still there but no one wants to address it.  I have to hide the pain to keep going.

Over the years I have come realize that dealing with pain there can be no indirect solution.  It has to be addressed head on properly or gangrene will set in.  When the pain is ignored or pushed aside, we invite the devil to come in and make it more rancid.  We don't want to face our part in the issue.  We don't want to relive the emotions that ripped us apart, but how else can you heal? 

My husband had acquired MRSA in his wrist.  The doctors had to dig down into it and clean out all the junk before administering the antibiotic.  He almost passed out from the pain.  It was worse than the infection itself, but death could occur if not addressed at all.  The pain had to be faced in order to be eliminated.  The same has to be said about our emotional pain.

I'm learning that maybe I need to be more open to cleansing out my wound without making it worse.  I need to face my pain instead of hiding it.  Thank goodness I have the greatest Physician of all.

Copying Skills

Yes, I'm still battling with step one.  It is not as easy as you might think. Getting rid of any habit or hangup is not a light task.  It is extremely difficult.  Going back to step one, I was given the question: As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?  I never really recall trying to get attention.  Mainly because I don't think that I was ever ignored.  But protecting myself was another matter.  I did not suffer from physical abuse.  But I never took criticism well.  Most people don't, that is true, but I took every single thing as personal.  Why?  Because I heard what was said behind closed doors and the comments were meant to be personal.  The small barb was meant to penetrate.  I learned quickly that most people's comments were deliberate and on purpose.  I learned to get out of the line of fire by withdrawing into myself so that the stings were less potent.  It has served me well through adulthood.

When reprimanded or verbally attacked, I immediately clam up.  If my bosses addresses me down, I close my mouth and bury myself in my work.  I will not be jolly, happy, or anything.  I will just put my nose to the grind and try to stay out of the line of fire.  If a relative gets in my face and starts criticizing everything I do, I do the same and just bury myself in work.  This has worked well though it has been damaging.

Anytime we withdraw into ourselves we damage relationships.  We alienate ourselves and prevent healing.  Now, at the time it seems the smartest thing to do.  After all someone is on the warpath somewhere.  I hate conflict.  I avoid wherever I can.  Some people might not believe that, but when it is personal, I run for the hills.  Why?  Because I have too many scars that have yet to heal.  I don't need anymore salt on the wounds.  Yes, I know that I'm not pretty.  Yes, I know that I suck as a mother.  Yes, I know that my cooking has a lot to be desired.  Yes, I know that I don't do anything right.  Therefore, I hide.

Hiding is safer.  I only have myself to criticize.  But in doing so it has only emphasized my co-dependency.  Their opinions still factor in my life.  Their statements still drive me.  I am still dependent on them.  I think this really came to light when recently someone who rarely sees me and knows less about me than they think they do began the attack on how I need to do this better, not do this, and change this in my life.  It devastated me.  I was back at step one.  I realized this as I began to creep back into my shell and hide from everyone. 

I got angry.  When was I ever going to get over this?  Why can't I conquer it?  I don't want to be co-dependent yet I crave their approval.  I don't want them to worship me, but I would like a little love and support.  That is all I ask for.

Ironically, I do get that from some dear friends.  And I deeply appreciate them for that.  I just would like it from those that profess to care also.  It is still a work in progress.  I've got to learn better copying skills.

Recovery is Ongoing

I think that this past week I was still at step one.  I hit a depression like none other.  I found myself seeing only the criticism and the rejection.  I longed for approval.  Then amazingly I got it.  What did I do?  I asked if there was a sudden freeze way down below and how soon would the thaw be.

Never satisfied am I?  I really am at step one again.  I have to learn to turn more to God and forget the others.  I do not need their approval.  What I need is to get my spiritual walk where it should be and then it will all fall into place.  Alright!  Easier said than done. 

I am not in control of anything except my reaction to situations.  I cannot control how my kids feel, my husband's actions, my family's tongue, my friends' comments, the economy, the White House, the earthquakes........  Shall I go on.  I can approach each with wisdom and prayer.  I can be in control of that and that alone. 

I might not have an alcohol problem or dealing with the misuse of drugs, but folks that doesn't mean that I don't have something to recover from.  Life hurts and it can take a lot to recover from.  Don't let pride be the only thing that is holding you back (honestly, you do need to recover from that, too).  Turn to God and let Him have it.

If you are interested to learn more about the Celebrate Recovery program, please let me know.

Sometimes It is Back to Step One

Throughout any recovery you will find yourself back at step one periodically.  It could just be that old habits are hard to break.  It could be pride.  It could be that we never really progressed like we thought.  I found myself slipping back to step one this week.

As you well know I have an issue with co-dependency.  I thought I was getting along fine with getting on the road to recovery until this past week.  I found myself back in the same old rut of needing approval.  The fact that I wanted it so badly made me very depressed.  Am I never to escape from this?

Over the last week I have been focusing on my husband and his health.  It is not good.  I'm worried because he is the love of my life.  I had to stay home over the weekend while he went to a family function five hours away.  I was without my husband and two daughters from Saturday through Monday evening.  While he was gone, I took matters into my own hands and set up a time for him to escape to a cabin without any interference so that he could relax and bring his blood pressure down before he had a stroke.  He came home on Monday and I sent him away on Tuesday.  I barely got to see my husband yet I was willing to do this to have him for many more years to come.  I did not do this for a pat on the back, but the desire for it from a few people crept in.

I had expected a few people who were concerned about him to thank me for organizing it.  Usually they comment on how much I place on him.  Here I was relieving him.  I broke down into tears because they actually seemed to be avoiding me and would not address his health.  I guess that I thought after I had done all this for him that they would realize how much I loved him and that I was doing something good for him.  Why can't I get past this?

Maybe I am just PMSing.  But I cannot deny the fact that I am still seeking their approval.  I need the confirmation that I'm doing something good.  It is so frustrating because I don't want to be like that.  In the end their opinion means absolutely nothing.  Why?  Because it is God's opinion that really matters. 

Maybe that is it.  I know God loves me no matter what and I rest assured in that.  I honestly don't know if the other people love me or even like me.  Maybe that is what eats at me.  I need to be loved and to feel like someone loves me.  Is that what co-dependency really is?  A desire to feel loved and cherished?

I'm back at step one this week.  But I'm ready to work my way back up.

Growing in Wisdom is Part of Recovery

I'm discovering that part of my recovery is to personally grow in wisdom.  This can be a fun yet frustrating experience.

I once had a fight with God over the fact that someone I knew would not see the errors of their ways.  Any court in the world would see how wrong they were.  Why weren't they changing?  Why wasn't God getting their attention?  It was then that God brought it to my attention that I could not change them.  I could not teach them tact, respect, and compassion.  Only He could.  What was I do to then?  Just sit back and be emotional abused?  No, I was to stop myself from becoming that person.

How many of us see our parents in us?  Here I mean the not so admirable qualities.  Why do we see that?  Have you ever seen the movie Monster-In-Law?  I have come to hold that movie so dear.  Not for the humor which is plenty, but for the lesson I got from it.  The story line is that a young man brings home his beautiful fiance to meet his mother.  The fireworks go off as they go at each other.  The mother is determined to ruin the young girl and break them up.  The young girl is fighting for her life as the situations turn from hilarious to dangerous.  What got me was when the future mother-in-law's mother-in-law appeared.  The tables were the turned.  The nasty sharp tongue came from the older woman and directed at the woman whose son was to walk down the aisle.  She became the young bride who could do nothing right.  A vicious cycle.  One woman in your foolishness helped created a mini-me of her who turned and did the same thing to her new daughter-in-law.  Where does the cycle of foolishness end and wisdom prevail?  Here with me.

I began to notice how much people were really like the ones they portrayed as harsh and uncaring.  One woman could not go five minutes whenever she visited her daughter without mentioning the extra microwave.  Why on earth did they have it?  Why didn't they take it back?  It made no sense.  And the new glasses?  Why would they buy such delicate pieces?  Nice sensible glassware would be good enough.  It left her daughter in tears in each visit as she harped on everything they had and did.  One day the mother was going through her cabinets and picked up a waffle iron.  It had to be almost sixty years old.  One of the first electric ones ever made.  She teared up as she mentioned how her own mother would comment on the foolishness of buying it each and every time she visited.  What this woman did not understand was that she was now that other woman.

We can stop that cycle!  We do not have to be like others.  We do not have to answer them.  We have somewhere else to go to get direction.  The Word.  The book of Proverbs is a great place to go to get out of the cycle.  Do you want to truly be like your mother, mother-in-law, father, or father-in-law?  Sadly, most people I know would say no.  Who do they want to be like?  A person of wisdom and a controlled tongue.  That can only be achieved through God and through His Word.

Part of my recovery is going through the book of Proverbs.  I am trying to apply each verse to my life.  Am I a hundred percent successful?  Absolutely not.  But I am trying.  I want to be known for my wisdom and not for my hateful speech or arrogance, or high opinions.