Lesson 8 - Sponsor

In this lesson I am asked why is it important for me to have a support team.  It is not just in this recovery program that we need support teams.  We cannot go through life without a support team around us in some form or fashion.  We are made to want communion with others.

What is the job of a support team?  They are there to support.  Why is support needed?  Because the foundation is not strong enough on its own.  A support is needed to hold it up.  That is what our support team does for us.

I struggle here.  I do not have much of a support team.  That is usually because of the position I am in as a wife of a minister.  I've always heard from other pastors' wives how alone they feel because they have no one to talk to or confide in.  That is so very true.  You cannot reveal much if anything because most people take it and tell others.  They remember it during a business meeting.  They forget that the pastor and his family are human and so much alone.  Since I am battling co-dependency I have trouble getting a support team because I have no one to talk to.  They all know him and work with him. 

I need to get a support team, but I have no idea where.  I cannot advance much here if I do not have someone who will eventually become my sponsor.  I'm really going to have to pray about this since it could prove disastrous if I do not handle this properly.

Recovery is Continual

One thing I have learned in this process is that recovery is an ongoing process.  Even when you say that you have reached step 12, in reality you go through all 12 steps each day of your life.  I have to remind myself over and over that it is not about me.  I have to give it all over to God again.  I have to recognize hurt and pain.  I have to forgive and go forward.  I have to face my defects and work on them.

So many people look at recovery as just getting over being addicted to drugs or alcohol.  How wrong they are!  Each and every person breathing needs to recovery from something.  If nothing else, they need to recover from pride.  No one is perfect.  We are all sinners.  This program is perfect in that it does not address only alcohol or only drugs.  It addresses your entire life. 

In our spiritual walks we are to start our day putting back on the armor of God.  We have to almost start over each day as we prepare ourselves for the battles ahead.  That is no different that it is to be in Celebrate Recovery.  We have to gird up and protect ourselves in the same way.  That armor is vital to us.

Shedding bad baggage and influences is what all Christians are called to do.  We are called to grow and mature.  We are called to recover from this world.

Still Trying to Understand

I'm trying to hard to understand how to recover from co-dependency when it seems forced on me.  Most of the testimonies I have found revolve around alcohol and drug recovery.  The few that I have found that involve co-dependency are mainly those spouses our children of alcoholics and drug addicts.  I am not finding anyone who is trying to recover from being married to an ADD spouse.

This is really hard for me as I try to understand how I can get through it all.  I try to go through the steps but I keep finding my life in chaos as he makes decisions without thinking and lives in the moment.  I can see the bridge is out ahead of us but what do I do?  If I yell and try to pull him back, we fight and I get depressed.  If I don't say anything we fall into the canyon.

I remember one testimony in which a wife was recovering from co-dependency with a husband who cheated on her and was a huge alcoholic.  She always felt that if her husband would change all would be well.  She just didn't realize that she needed to change, too.  I feel like that.  But the difference is I know that I need to change, but it is hard when you do not see the other one attempting to change.

Does ADD win?  Do I just give in and my change and recovery involves letting the ADD have complete control?  That is where I feel lost.

We do see a counselor to help him with his ADD.  Where I struggle is that once we leave the office, he forgets about we are to work on and goes back to his normal way of living.  How can I get over my co-dependency when I see no way?

I am not going to give up on my recovery.  This program is wonderful and I am learning so much.  It is great and I would recommend it for anyone.  I just wish I could find more that were in my situation.

Lesson 7 - Moral

Lesson 7 gets me started on my moral inventory.  This can be a difficult lesson.  In fact, this is where many people stop the 12 step program.  It is not easy facing your mistakes or even your successes.

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "List the things you have used to block the pain of your past."  This was a hard one for me.  I have to admit that because I do not drink and do drugs that I took a while to answer this.  This narrow-minded thought process is shameful.  There are so many ways to block the pain.  Alcohol and drugs are just one of the ways.  So now the internal struggle began as I tried to discover what I was doing and why.

I am one that tries to please everyone.  There is that darn co-dependency again.  The pain I felt from all those type D personalities was masked by me trying to gain their approval.  I tried to dress to please them and prevent negative comments.  I tried to do everything to appease them.  I had to realize that I would never do that.  My haircut was never going to be just right.  The way I disciplined my children was never going to be correct.  The way I cooked was never going to be above "OK".  I was never going to succeed.  I blocked my pain in denial and in striving to be someone I was not.

I once told someone in our small group discussion (I can repeat this since I was the one saying it) that my organization and anal tendencies were not the real me and not my nature.  Now those same type D people would say that I was not organized enough, but my immediate family would say that I was on the road to being too anal.  Why is that if that is not the real me?  Because I spent my life trying to be what others said I had to be.  I used to work about 50 hours a week in downtown Milwaukee.  My husband was home more than I was and the kids were always beating me home by about an hour.  One day a relative stopped by to visit.  She asked where the broom was so that she could sweep up a mess that was just made.  I answered honestly that I did not know.  Where I would place it was never where it could be found when I got home.  She looked at me in shock and dismay.  It was my responsibility to know where that broom was she informed me.  It was my house, right?  When I said that with me being gone at work so much, that there was a lot that I did not know.  I was informed that that was beside the point.  I should always know.  That weighed on me for years.  I put so much pressure on myself to work full-time and to be in control of a house that I really had no control over.  I mentally beat myself daily on how much of a failure I was because I did not have control of my house.  This also strained my marriage and my relation with my children.  I became an ogre and began to yell a lot.  Why weren't things left where I put them?  Why couldn't I do it all?  I was supposed to.  What others did not realize was that I was to work, manage a home, follow behind my children and my husband and still meet other responsibilities as they arose.  I began to melt down.  I could not do it all so why should I?

I hid my sense of failure in striving harder.  This made the number of failures increase and be more obvious.  I could not do it anymore.  The day this realization hit was painful.  I'm learning to be me.  I'm learning to look at others and say, "I don't care."  I will not live my life to please them.  I will live it only to please God.  If they don't like it, take it up with Him.  I cannot please everyone.  I will not try anymore.  I will not agree to things just so that they will think better of me.  I will not give up my family time to appease others.  I will not re-create myself to be what they want.  I will be what God wants.

Lesson 6 - Action

One of the questions asked in Lesson 6 is "What have you been able to turn over to God?"

This was a hard one for me.  After all, I am co-dependent which means that I do not have anything that I have control over to turn over.  Well, I might not have control over anything, but I do still have my clutches on things that I need to relinquish to God.  I'm trying to control it.  Though I never seem to have control.  I need to turn my day to day schedule over to God.

One night at about 2 am God and I had a very long and deep discussion.  I was about to pull my hair out.  God is not a ruler or creator of chaos.  So why is my day so chaotic?  Come on, God.  I'm trying to put order in my life.  Why does it seem that You are fighting against me and allowing the chaos to reign?  I could not get past these statements.  I repeated them over and over.  It was then that wonderful James rose up and spoke.

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money."  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."  As it is, you boast and brag.  All such boasting is evil.  Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (NIV, James 4:13-17)

I was trying to determine my day and what was going to happen.  There is nothing wrong with planning and making sure that crucial things are not missed.  What was I doing wrong?  Not dedicating my day to God and looking to Him about what I should and should not do.  That was my problem.

Do you know how hard this was for me?  I am not naturally an organizer.  I like to get up and go about my day doing whatever is before me.  The world around me forced me to change.  I was an accountant for 20 years.  Much of my job involved a multitude of tasks that had to be scheduled and could not be missed.  Lists became my best friend as they helped me to remember duties that had to be done.  This spilled over into my personal life.

I married an ADD guy.  Life with him was a roller coaster.  You never knew what each day held.  Unfortunately, that included the bills, where we lived, and other important things.  I began to create lists to help us to remember to pay bills, feed the pets, do regular chores, and such.  Why?  Because if it was not on the list, he would not do it.  Even if it was on the list he might not do it, but I would remember amid all my other "normal" duties and get it done.  This grew and grew to where everything in my life was a list.

Now, I still have to have lists.  My memory is getting way too faulty to cope.  God is not banning lists in my life.  What is He doing then?  Asking me to let Him make the list.  That's right.  Give Him the ultimate control of my life - my lists!

How do I do this?  I go ahead and make out my list for tomorrow as normal.  I never realized how ambitious I was.  When the list is made, I pray and ask God to take what needs to be removed and add what I have missed.  I about cry when He has me remove some items that I really want to do.  But in all honesty, I would not have been able to get it all done.

I feel better each day.  My lists are not as long and when they are they are made up of what He wants me to do and not what I want.  This is a huge difference.  He never fails.  His plans never are wrong.  Mine on the other hand.......

What is so Great About Celebrate Recovery?

One of the greatest things about Celebrate Recovery (CR) is the fact that is for anything.  You don't have to have a drug problem though many come to it for that very reason.  You don't have to have an alcohol problem though many come for that, too.  You don't have to have a sexual addiction though a surprising number come for that.  You can have a marriage problem which almost anyone married has.  You could have an eating addiction or disorder which is a lot more common than you realize.  You could suffer from co-dependency which I’m finding most people have.  You could have a hurt from your childhood or past relationships which I think everyone does to some degree.  You might have issues with your children which any parent does at some stage of their childhood.  You might have a bad habit of stealing.  Or you have just plain old pride that gets in everyone's way.  That hits every single person.  Anyone could benefit from CR because all it is doing is trying to get to the root of your problems and get your walk with Christ right.

What more could you ask for?  It helps to clean out the junk in your life and cleans out those rooms that we lock away and try to look at because they are so disgusting.  But the house will never be clean because the mold and mildew will spread to the other rooms quietly and deadly.  We have to bleach those rooms by allowing God to come in and clean it all out.  He is the ultimate housekeeper.  You don’t have to worry about anything getting missed if you are truly letting Him clean it all out.  CR is one of those tools to do just that.

Our group is growing as more and more realize that CR is for all of life's problems.  We have many with drug and alcohol problems but even they are discovering that that is not their real problems.  They have to go much deeper.  We are celebrating just a week or two of some people not cutting themselves.  We celebrate those “small” victories, because they are not small.  They are huge.  Any day that someone can go through and conquer their demons is a celebration.  Any day they cannot conquer is a day of prayer and support.

I highly suggest that you take a look at the material of CR.  You will be surprised and you will find that you might need this wonderful Bible study that goes so much further than normal studies.

Lesson 5 - Turn

This lesson starts you on step 3 which states: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Now at first glance, some of us would quickly say that we already have done this.  After all, I've been a Christian my whole life.  Yet, I got into my lesson like a good student does and I realized that there was more to that statement than I first realized.

"How has relying on your 'own understanding' caused problems in your life?"  Ouch!

Maybe I haven't given Him everything.  I have to hang my head in shame.  So many times I try to do it all my way.  I want to be in charge of my daily life instead of letting Him have it.  Have I given my heart and soul to Him?  Yes.  Have I given Him my daily life?  A humbling No.

In James we are told not to plan for tomorrow without conferring with God and relying on Him for whatever comes.  I've tried to trust in Him.  I've tried to start my day asking Him what He wants me to do.  But the rush of the day starts so fast.  I feel like I live in the life of "Cheaper by the Dozen."  Where can I find the peace to find time with God to give it to Him?  Who says I have to find the peace first before going to the Peace Giver?  That doesn't make sense.


I need to rethink this step.  I need to look deep and see where all those hidden corners are that I've kept from Him.  I need to be more honest and humble to give it ALL to Him.

Can Co-Dependency be Forced on Someone?

If you've been following along, you will know that I suffer from co-dependency. Acknowledging it is the first step of recovery, but what if the world is out to stop you?

My co-dependency is with my husband who is ADD and my family on both sides. I finally realized what was happening and began the Celebrate Recovery program. I've been doing good, but I've been getting frustrated. No matter how hard I try to get out from under this burden, it seems that the world is out to stop me. Now, I'm realistic to know that there is always a way out but at the moment I think that I'm too caught up in it to see it.

I need to be more organized yet just when a day arrives that I've got it all together we are called to a four hour meeting. Now I am three days behind on my house chores, work projects, and need to catch up with the kids' work. So, I take the next day. Low and behold, a phone call comes. There is an emergency and we have to come. It is an emergency and we go. The next day is finally THE day to breath and take care of our responsibilities that are being ignored. A phone call comes from a friend we have not spoken to in years. Then someone drops by and stays for a few hours to visit. There goes that day again.

This is where I personally begin to pull my hair out. I'm constantly criticized about the condition of my house. it is never clean enough. I forget things. Well, I can't get the house clean because my job demands some time from me, the emergencies pop up and we cannot avoid them, how do you tell someone to go away when they come for a visit. Some of the same people who criticize me are the reason that I cannot seem to get it done.

It seems that my co-dependency is forced on me. I know that I have a choice, but so many times I really don't. I was called into a meeting yesterday that I tried to get out of because I did have some very important things that needed to be addressed. I was told that in no uncertain terms that I had to be there. End of discussion. Now, I did find out that I had to be there, but now I'm even more behind in my other responsibilities.

I think that I'm beginning to see where I need an outside person to help direct me when I'm too much in the middle of it all and cannot see it. I had that long meeting that was mandatory and my son is now angry that we have to do things today that we should have done yesterday. Not my fault, yet I end up dealing with the fallout and have to try to piece it all back together. That's where I lose it. The co-dependency then becomes my life. I am always at the mercy of everyone else's schedule and moods. My schedule has to come second and my moods are the issues.

See what co-dependency is? It leads many people to drinking and using drugs. They feel like they have no place to go. They feel like there is no way out. And to be honest I feel like that most of the time. But I do know that there is a way out. I've got to give more of the issue to God and let Him guide me. I'm told too much by the world and the family that I have to be the one in control and get all this done. Yet, I have to admit that I am powerless and only God has the power to save me.

Please save me, God. I want to know that I am a person that You love and care for instead of the person that belongs to everyone around me. I need to know that I can follow my calling and not be the mother or slave to others. I need to focus more on You. Please help me. Show me where I can make that time to grow closer to You. Show me where I can say no and not disrupt the universe. Show me when to submit and when to object. Show me where You want me to go and not where others do.

Recoverying Multitudes

I've discovered since I began this program that everyone has more than one thing to recover from. You might initially begin the program for your drinking problem, but along the way you discover so many others that you need to address.

I began with needing to recover from my temper. I discovered as I went through the questions that the anger was only a symptom. It still needed to be addressed, but if I didn't work on the cause (co-dependency) then it would never really go away or get under control.

Having multiple things to recover from is not bad. You are not an evil person beyond hope because of it. A drug addict probably has a drinking problem, swearing problem, temper problem. The list could go on and on. You'll find yourself at different steps of the recovery, too which is alright. You can attend multiple step studies!

Check out Celebrate Recovery and what it can do for you!

Defining CoDependency #2

A few days after receiving the shock that I was co-dependent, I went on to read description number two.

My good feelings about myself stem from others opinions about me. 

Boy, did that describe me. Granted, I'm not a yes person who cannot do anything without seeking approval, but the need to have that approval is strong in my life.  There are so many days in which I would leave a family gathering in tears because my cooking wasn't good enough, that my actions with my kids were criticized, that I didn't seem to do anything right. I would be depressed for days. I was co-dependent for sure.

It took a weekend in which I was constantly criticized for everything I did. They even went so far as to say that I needed to see a shrink to take care of my unresolved issues. I was so angry at God for forcing me to stay through the visit and for not pointing out to them that their actions were mean and hurtful. that fight with Him lasted 2 hours. It was an emotional 2 hours. At the end of it, guess who won?

God pointed out to me that I cannot change other people. I cannot change their actions, thoughts, or beliefs. I do not have the power. But I can change me. I can become a better person without needing their approval. I just need God's.

Today? I still get hurt when my cooking is criticized or something I have poured my whole heart into is ignored or downplayed, but in the end it doesn't effect me much. I look to God and His guidance over theirs. My sense of value comes from Him and Him alone.

Lesson 4 - Sanity

I will freely admit that my life is insane. It has been since I married an ADHD person. But the definition that Pastor John Baker gives for it is the best I've ever heard.

"Insanity has been described as 'doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.'"

Wow! How accurate. We go through life doing the same things over and over again and getting nowhere.

My father was a die hard Kentucky Wildcat fan. I think that he bled blue. Game nights were sitting in front of the TV intently watching each player's move. But the "insanity" came in when a game was on during church or another very important event. He would tape it and then watch it when he got home. Then he would watch it again the next day, and again the next day, and again the next day. One time when he was watching it for about the eighth time, I sat down and watched a few minutes. I said, "You would think that as many times as this game has played that number 3 would realize that he would miss that shot."

Funny, but don't we do that in life? The insanity of my life is always expecting my family to be who they are not. Going through the same motions and expecting them to learn and grow when the message is not clear is insanity.

I need (as well as my family) to make decisions and take action based on wisdom and not on hope and desires. That is the only way sanity will show itself in my life.

Lesson 3 - Hope

The first question asked in this lesson is where was I placing my hope before I started to rely on Jesus. My first instinct was to say Jesus. After all, He has always been my Lord. But I had begun to see the underlying truth in my life.

Where was I placing my hope? My own power. The approval of others. Both of which is worthless.

I cannot accomplish what needs to be done on my own power. I am so limited. I get exhausted. I have medical issues that worsen the more I rely on myself.

I will never get true approval from others. I will always lack in their eyes. They will always want to control my life.

I had to come to realize that I wasn't relying on God the way I should. I needed to ignore the other people and focus on Him. It isn't easy only because they are so loud in my life. But with God all things are possible.

Principle 2

Principle two says that I need to "earnestly" believe that God exists and that He is the power that I need to seek to recover.

I'll be honest that this principle comes easy to me because I have believed in God my whole life and I know that He has the power to do ANYTHING. But do I actually act like I do? Do I really rely on Him and His power? In reality, no.

I think that I can do it myself. Why not, everyone else does it. They expect me to do it on my own power therefore I should. That is my co-dependency. I let others dictate my expectations and pathway instead of letting God guide me. It's not easy. I know I need to rely on God, but He is not like the people in my life who are in my face 24/7 nagging me and criticizing me. He is waiting on me to turn to Him.

This hurt. I believe in Him, but I have allowed others to control where I place my trust. No more. He is the only one that can help me, therefore I must rely only on Him and not on society or family for my recovery and future paths.

Principle 1 Verse - 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.

Relying on God. Most people would say that they rely on Him each day. But do they really? Do we hand over to Him the stress of teenage kids? Do we rely on Him to handle your marriage problems? Do we rely on Him to help you find a job? Do you hand over to Him your emotional dilemmas? When we rely more on God, we see miracles that dreams could not conjure up. Only God can make the impossible look so easily done. The trials you are faces are not always death sentences. But they are real and they are not easy. But they are blessings. They are a chance to show that you can rely on Him and a chance for Him to show you just a little bit of what He can do. Give Him a chance. Give Him something to work with and sit back to watch the show.

Principle 1 verse - Jeremiah 6:14

They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.

What happens when you have an injury and you just ignore it? It usually gets worse. Infection can set in. If it is still not addressed, gangrene and death could await you. All this could have happened from a small innocent cut on the finger. We do that in the other areas of our life, also. We pretend that we don’t have any problems. We find ways to make the ugly pretty so that we can bury our heads in the sand and pretend that it is all a rose garden. We ignore the beatings, the extra drink or two, the inappropriate touches, the persistent desire for more and more, the urge to express our anger instead of our love, the extra 6 helpings of food, the fact that we never exchange polite words in our marriage anymore, anything that is dragging us down and hurting us. We apply dressing to the wound instead of medicating and seeking the much needed help to prevent more serious side effects. We think we’ve got it covered and all looks good. But when there is war, and you refuse to say there is anything but peace, the whole world sees the bombs exploding behind you and the fires of destruction burning. We lie to those in front of us. But worse, we lie to ourselves. Stop! Look at your life and see where you are hurt. See where you have been ignoring a “small” cut that now is swollen and infection is residing. Find where you need the help that only God can give. Find where you cannot cure it and find the ultimate cure. Stop living a fantasy. Start living a strength filled eternity.

Holding onto Anger and Resentment

Believe it or not we all tend to hold onto anger and resentment in our lives. Some maybe more than others, but we do it.

I don't do it as bad as many I know, but shamefully I do. I have a hard time letting it go. Why? Because it always seem to happen over and over again. The same hurt occurs. The same pain. I used it as a way to protect myself. If I stayed angry and remembered the hurt, then I wouldn't put myself back in harm's way.

Now, I was not being physically harmed. But emotional pain is just as bad. Being told that you are a plain Jane, not graceful, ordinary, below par, and just not good enough tends to hurt. Over time you begin to hold that pain close to your heart and begin to hate those that tell you that all time.

But as I was using it as protection for myself, it was also creating a huge crater in my soul. It was festering and preventing me from growing as a child of God. What started off as good protection ended up being the cancer in my life. In fact it was enforcing my co-dependency because I was allowing all the painful words they said to control my life and my growth.

I had to admit that I was holding the anger and resentment and allowing it to control my life. Healing can be painful!

Defining Co-dependence #1

I never thought that I was co-dependent until I read one of the flyers from Celebrate Recovery.

The first description was "My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you."

I have to admit that I didn't jump up and claim that this described me. Do I desire to be loved? Yes. Would knowing that my husband didn't love me devastate me? Yes. So I was ready to skip that description. But then I took it past my immediate family and hit the emotional brick wall.

So much of my self-esteem hung on the approval of my extended family including the in-laws. I was always trying to be accepted and loved. I would try to dress a certain way to get the approval. I would fix my hair a certain way. I tried to learn to cook better. I tried to be good at SOMETHING to get that pat on the back. And always failing. Depression would set in.

Oh, my. I can say yes to the first one. I do depend too much on others' approval for my self-worth.

I did not want to go on to the next one. This was devastating enough to me. I was never going to be good enough for any of them so why keep trying. I only need to please God and He cares about my heart and not about appearances.

Growing up is painful.

Lesson 2 - Ouch!

Lesson 2 really hurt in Celebrate Recovery. It had to touch on the pride issue.

Pride is what stops us from getting better, seeking help, or growing up. We think that we are perfect. We don't want to admit that we make mistakes. But, guess what? We do.

Pride is not wanting to see the truth before us. Our issues are not that big. We've got it all under control. NOT! We just think that we do. We we go about our lives like this, we are unknowingly playing God.

We cannot get over our alcohol, drugs, co-dependency, or food addictions if we continue to think that we have it all together.

I had a hard time admitting my co-dependency. I was not a slave to anyone. They didn't tell me what to do. But I was deceiving myself. I was not standing on my own two feet. I was allowing family and friends and even society to dictate my life and not let God do it. I felt guilt when I didn't measure up to their expectations. I felt like a nobody when I wasn't good enough. My goals were set based on others opinions. My parenting was reactionary to all those trying to tell me what to do.

I didn't have it under control. I was spiraling in a world of opinions, self-loathing, and resentment.

I am not God! and neither are they!

1st Step

I need to first face my denials. That can be hard. Since I'm already denying it, it is obvious that I don't want to face it. When I do that, I see my flaws.

We all have issues. One woman began to come to our recovery meetings and many of her answers and comments struck me as odd. Her words were that she had nothing to recover from and was here to learn to talk to addicts. As we got to know her, she needed to recover from pride and a judgmental attitude.

I denied my co-dependency for years. Maybe because I didn't have a name for it. I just pointed out the other people's roles in bringing chaos to my life. Now, they were doing that. If they weren't and I wasn't letting them, I wouldn't be co-dependent. My key word here is "letting". I realized that I was letting them walk over me and control me even though I fought it. I had to come to a point where I knew that I wasn't the one to control it all and they certainly weren't.

Because of my denials, I don't have good relationships with many of the people who controlled me. I fought with them. I argued with them. But because I thought it was supposed to be me in control, it was wrong. Now, we still have confrontations. But now I do it biblically. I seek God's Word. I let them know that I follow Him and not their earthly opinions and desires.

I'm on the road to recovery!

Principle One

I read principle one that states: Realize that I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

At first I thought that I didn't need to focus on this one. I knew I wasn't God. I wouldn't dream of thinking I was Him. But then I got past the pride of knowing that first sentence to realize that there was more to that that I needed to listen to.

I've been told over and over that I should be in control of my life, my house, and my kids. Everything should be the way I set up. All outcomes should be expected by me. I should be able to work full time (ok, more than full time), come home to a husband and kids who have been home all day and know exactly where everything is. Because of that I always felt that I was so wrong and my goal in life should be the Mrs. Cleaver of the neighborhood though I was putting in 50 hours a week at work and at least another 20 for the church in my roles there. My life was chaos and I had to get it all calmed and organized.

Well, guess what? Yes, my life in unmanageable, but it is arrogant of me to think that I am the only one to get it under control. Only God can be the controller of my life and whenever I try to direct it the chaos continues.

This was a humbling discovery for me. In addition to having to realize that I'm not supermom and that I can't do it all, I had to deal with the anger that developed at the ones who were imposing that belief on me. Who were they to tell me that my house had to immaculate and my life perfectly laid out? Who were they to tell me where my priorities should be? Only my God can do all that, and He should be the only one I'm listening to.

I cannot dictate what tomorrow brings. I cannot dictate what today brings. I can plan, but I have to be aware that I live in a fallen world and chaos cannot be avoided when the things of the world are focused on.

Starting to Recover

I'll be honest. I didn't know what I needed to recover from. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not hooked on drugs. What do I need recovery from?

My husband has a passion for those that are struggling with addictions and hurts in life. So one of the first ministries our new church did was Celebrate Recovery. I said that I would help lead the women's groups but I struggled so hard in what I was recovering from. I'm humble enough to admit that everyone has issues that they need to rise up from, but what specifically was mine?

I walked by the table with some of our flyers on it. I randomly picked up one and began to read the description. As I read each one, I began to feel like they wrote it just for me. Relief set in when I found a couple that didn't describe me, but overall this was me on the flyer. I was co-dependent.

So much of my life was dictated by other people. My husband is ADD. Our whole marriage has been me reacting to his disorganization and forgetfulness. Though I didn't have to have his approval before doing things or craved his attention, I did allow his actions to dictate my life. To take it further we both were co-dependent on our families. How many times our lives were pressured to change schedules or to appear somewhere despite the hardships placed on us is unimaginable?  The guilt trips placed for not visiting so many times and the pressure to have fifty Christmas gifts despite being broke were all the time. So many issues in our marriage arose because of this. The end result? I needed to recover from co-dependency which led to many other issues such as anger, bitterness, and depression that I needed to recover from.

I realized that my problem over the years was losing my identity.  Who am I?  Am I just the wife, daughter, in-law, or sister?  Do I even exist?

This is my road to recovery and to be a better person. Join me as I go down the road.