Join Me on a Journey

My church began a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. At first I was like so many that thought that this was only for alcoholism and drug addiction. How wrong I was! This program addresses everything you can possibly imagine. It is applicable to every person. We all have something to recover from even it is just plain old pride. Join me in my journey to recover from co-dependency and any thing else I will happen to discover on this journey.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sometimes It is Back to Step One

Throughout any recovery you will find yourself back at step one periodically.  It could just be that old habits are hard to break.  It could be pride.  It could be that we never really progressed like we thought.  I found myself slipping back to step one this week.

As you well know I have an issue with co-dependency.  I thought I was getting along fine with getting on the road to recovery until this past week.  I found myself back in the same old rut of needing approval.  The fact that I wanted it so badly made me very depressed.  Am I never to escape from this?

Over the last week I have been focusing on my husband and his health.  It is not good.  I'm worried because he is the love of my life.  I had to stay home over the weekend while he went to a family function five hours away.  I was without my husband and two daughters from Saturday through Monday evening.  While he was gone, I took matters into my own hands and set up a time for him to escape to a cabin without any interference so that he could relax and bring his blood pressure down before he had a stroke.  He came home on Monday and I sent him away on Tuesday.  I barely got to see my husband yet I was willing to do this to have him for many more years to come.  I did not do this for a pat on the back, but the desire for it from a few people crept in.

I had expected a few people who were concerned about him to thank me for organizing it.  Usually they comment on how much I place on him.  Here I was relieving him.  I broke down into tears because they actually seemed to be avoiding me and would not address his health.  I guess that I thought after I had done all this for him that they would realize how much I loved him and that I was doing something good for him.  Why can't I get past this?

Maybe I am just PMSing.  But I cannot deny the fact that I am still seeking their approval.  I need the confirmation that I'm doing something good.  It is so frustrating because I don't want to be like that.  In the end their opinion means absolutely nothing.  Why?  Because it is God's opinion that really matters. 

Maybe that is it.  I know God loves me no matter what and I rest assured in that.  I honestly don't know if the other people love me or even like me.  Maybe that is what eats at me.  I need to be loved and to feel like someone loves me.  Is that what co-dependency really is?  A desire to feel loved and cherished?

I'm back at step one this week.  But I'm ready to work my way back up.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Growing in Wisdom is Part of Recovery

I'm discovering that part of my recovery is to personally grow in wisdom.  This can be a fun yet frustrating experience.

I once had a fight with God over the fact that someone I knew would not see the errors of their ways.  Any court in the world would see how wrong they were.  Why weren't they changing?  Why wasn't God getting their attention?  It was then that God brought it to my attention that I could not change them.  I could not teach them tact, respect, and compassion.  Only He could.  What was I do to then?  Just sit back and be emotional abused?  No, I was to stop myself from becoming that person.

How many of us see our parents in us?  Here I mean the not so admirable qualities.  Why do we see that?  Have you ever seen the movie Monster-In-Law?  I have come to hold that movie so dear.  Not for the humor which is plenty, but for the lesson I got from it.  The story line is that a young man brings home his beautiful fiance to meet his mother.  The fireworks go off as they go at each other.  The mother is determined to ruin the young girl and break them up.  The young girl is fighting for her life as the situations turn from hilarious to dangerous.  What got me was when the future mother-in-law's mother-in-law appeared.  The tables were the turned.  The nasty sharp tongue came from the older woman and directed at the woman whose son was to walk down the aisle.  She became the young bride who could do nothing right.  A vicious cycle.  One woman in your foolishness helped created a mini-me of her who turned and did the same thing to her new daughter-in-law.  Where does the cycle of foolishness end and wisdom prevail?  Here with me.

I began to notice how much people were really like the ones they portrayed as harsh and uncaring.  One woman could not go five minutes whenever she visited her daughter without mentioning the extra microwave.  Why on earth did they have it?  Why didn't they take it back?  It made no sense.  And the new glasses?  Why would they buy such delicate pieces?  Nice sensible glassware would be good enough.  It left her daughter in tears in each visit as she harped on everything they had and did.  One day the mother was going through her cabinets and picked up a waffle iron.  It had to be almost sixty years old.  One of the first electric ones ever made.  She teared up as she mentioned how her own mother would comment on the foolishness of buying it each and every time she visited.  What this woman did not understand was that she was now that other woman.

We can stop that cycle!  We do not have to be like others.  We do not have to answer them.  We have somewhere else to go to get direction.  The Word.  The book of Proverbs is a great place to go to get out of the cycle.  Do you want to truly be like your mother, mother-in-law, father, or father-in-law?  Sadly, most people I know would say no.  Who do they want to be like?  A person of wisdom and a controlled tongue.  That can only be achieved through God and through His Word.

Part of my recovery is going through the book of Proverbs.  I am trying to apply each verse to my life.  Am I a hundred percent successful?  Absolutely not.  But I am trying.  I want to be known for my wisdom and not for my hateful speech or arrogance, or high opinions.