Sometimes It is Back to Step One

Throughout any recovery you will find yourself back at step one periodically.  It could just be that old habits are hard to break.  It could be pride.  It could be that we never really progressed like we thought.  I found myself slipping back to step one this week.

As you well know I have an issue with co-dependency.  I thought I was getting along fine with getting on the road to recovery until this past week.  I found myself back in the same old rut of needing approval.  The fact that I wanted it so badly made me very depressed.  Am I never to escape from this?

Over the last week I have been focusing on my husband and his health.  It is not good.  I'm worried because he is the love of my life.  I had to stay home over the weekend while he went to a family function five hours away.  I was without my husband and two daughters from Saturday through Monday evening.  While he was gone, I took matters into my own hands and set up a time for him to escape to a cabin without any interference so that he could relax and bring his blood pressure down before he had a stroke.  He came home on Monday and I sent him away on Tuesday.  I barely got to see my husband yet I was willing to do this to have him for many more years to come.  I did not do this for a pat on the back, but the desire for it from a few people crept in.

I had expected a few people who were concerned about him to thank me for organizing it.  Usually they comment on how much I place on him.  Here I was relieving him.  I broke down into tears because they actually seemed to be avoiding me and would not address his health.  I guess that I thought after I had done all this for him that they would realize how much I loved him and that I was doing something good for him.  Why can't I get past this?

Maybe I am just PMSing.  But I cannot deny the fact that I am still seeking their approval.  I need the confirmation that I'm doing something good.  It is so frustrating because I don't want to be like that.  In the end their opinion means absolutely nothing.  Why?  Because it is God's opinion that really matters. 

Maybe that is it.  I know God loves me no matter what and I rest assured in that.  I honestly don't know if the other people love me or even like me.  Maybe that is what eats at me.  I need to be loved and to feel like someone loves me.  Is that what co-dependency really is?  A desire to feel loved and cherished?

I'm back at step one this week.  But I'm ready to work my way back up.