Learning More About Myself

The more I go into my recovery the more I am finding out about myself.  I never realized how co-dependent I was.  In truth, I am horrified at how much I have allowed others to dictate and direct my life.  Only recently have I begun to stand up to them and stand on my own.

I have always worried what other people thought of me.  Throughout my school years I would hear the whispers as kids made fun of me.  They might not have thought anything of mocking my clothes, my accent, or how much I loved school.  In reality it was devastating to me.  These feelings began to direct the years that came later and led me deeper into co-dependency.

It did not help that I strove so hard for approval.  I loved school and did not need to be forced to make good grades.  Yet hearing the approval from my parents became crucial for me.  I felt that I had no other talents.  I could only make good grades.  I tried to hard to stand out as me, yet always felt like I was failing.  When we went back to Kentucky, people would see me and think that I was my sister.  Always my sister's name was mentioned before mine.  One person told me that as long as I lived, she would never die.  It got worse when people would be shocked that Mom and Dad had a fourth child.  You cannot imagine how many times I came across that.  Great!  Now I don't even exist in my own hometown.

But was it my hometown?  I didn't belong there anymore.  Yet, I didn't belong in Alabama either.  My accent let everyone know that I was not from there.  I never really felt accepted.  So I began to struggle to find myself and failed over and over.

I threw myself into college to make good grades.  But then I found someone who loved me for me.  My grades suffered, but it was worth it.  I had found love.  What I didn't realize that I was walking into further co-dependence that would force me to face it for what it was and make a decision that would forever change my life.