More to Learn

Getting married did put me into co-dependency even further.  I was under constant scrutiny on how I set up the house, how fast the wedding thank you notes went out, how I did everything.  From my side of the family, I got criticism on how my new husband did or did not do things.  From his side, I was criticized for doing things the way that they did.  I was so different.  I could not please anyone.  My cooking needed improvement.  My cleaning had a lot to be desired.  Over and over more comments were made on what I needed to fix.  According to all this I did nothing right.

I did not realize until years later that I was becoming co-dependent in my marriage.  My darling husband is ADD.  This means that his attention is not always where it needs to be.  When he walks into a room, he seems to draw everyone to him.  He is very sociable and loves to talk with people.  Before I knew it, I was just following him wherever.  I was an extreme introvert and he seemed to just take over me.  Years later I looked back and noticed how his ADD began to run out lives and take me down paths that were not fun.

Have you ever heard me describe marriage to an ADD person?  Well, it is something like this......

Everything is rosy at first.  You are walking hand and hand and side by side.  You are together in the journey.  In fact you comment on sights you see and when you come across an obstacle in your path, he helps you over it.  This is generally because it is all new and exciting to both of you.  But time changes all things.

Without realizing what is happening, you see that he is now walking a few feet ahead of you.  He still has your hand but almost seems to be pulling you a little.  He begins to point out things to you, but jumps to another before you have time comment.  Time continues on and now you find that he is no longer holding your hand as he is using his hands to pick up things or point out scenery.  You can to almost run to catch up to him.  You tie a rope around you both so that you can still stay somehow connected. 

Before long he is yards ahead of you.  As you pass through trees, he forgets to hold the tree limp and you get smacked in the face.  He begins to pull you forward and he begins to rush about looking at one thing and then another.  Periodically, he pauses long enough for you to catch up but not to catch your breath.

The rest of the journey is him going through life in a rush, literally pulling you behind.  You are running trying to keep up and as a result never get to see the scenery or the rock in the middle of the path that trips you.  You fall and are still being dragged since he has not noticed that you have fallen.  His attention is focused on something else.

You begin to notice how things are falling around you.  He is dropping important things.  As you are rushing to keep up, you are trying to pick up everything: utilities bills, children's activities, birthdays, messages, breath.  It becomes harder and harder.  Eventually, you can't pick up anything.  You are just along for the ride.  Who do people see?  Him with a blur behind him.

This does not mean that he does not love you.  In fact, he cares for you greatly.  It is just that he cannot focus on more than one thing at a time.

Before I knew it I had no identity.  I was someone's little sister, youngest child, in-law, and wife.  Did I have a name?  What was it and where did I fit in this place?