Learning to Say No!

I've rarely been able to say no in my life.  That is part of what makes me a co-dependent.  When I did say no, like to my parents, it only resulted in a huge fight.  If I did not want to wear those hideous shoes that were bought for me by my mother (who had good intentions), it was a huge blow up.  I learned to shut up, wear them, and cry myself to sleep because of the nasty comments others at school or church made to me.

It went on as I grew up.  Saying no to friends was hard.  I was darn lucky to not have anyone pressure me to drink or do drugs..  I might have done it just to prevent a fight.  Going on a date was whatever the guy wanted.  Why?  It was not place to say anything.

Being co-dependent is horrible.  You do not have a will of your own.  You struggle with feeling like a person.  You are just an extension of others.  I was the extension of my brother and sisters.  Whoever saw me only knew them and referred to me as their baby sister.  I obviously did not have a name.  I was only the smart kid in school.  No one I went to school with really knew who I was, what I loved, or what my dreams were.  I was just supposed to make the good grades.  In college I was really messed up.  I had roommates who tried to have me see a psychiatrist because I was sleeping a lot and trying to focus on my studies instead of staying up all night with them and goofing off.  All because I said no.  I tried to run and ended up with other roommates who tried to control me by telling who I should and should not date, when to go out, and everything else.

Getting married pushed me more into that mold.  I watched my mother do whatever my father wanted.  Okay, maybe not everything, but most things.  When she balked, there was an argument.  We ate where he wanted, went out when he wanted, watched the shows he wanted, and ate what he wanted.  He wasn't mean.  He was just very selfish because his mother spoiled him so.  He was a loving man but without knowing it he helped me become co-dependent.

I caved in to whatever my husband wanted.  We ended up in financial troubles because he is just not good at that sort of thing.  I gave into the husband without fighting for what I was good at and he was not.  After all, he is the husband.

Over the years I began to get so depressed because I was going in every direction everyone wanted me to go in.  Unfortunately, they were not all going the same way.  I was trying to satisfy everyone and ended up satisfying no one especially myself.

I could not say no.

Recently, I began to say no.  It felt so good.  Alright, at first it did not.  Everyone got angry and I caved in.  More miserable than I was before.  After a few attempts, I got better at not backing down.  They were still angry, but I felt a sense of power.  I felt that I was coming back and they were leaving my soul.  It was wonderful.

Saying no is one of the hardest things a co-dependent can do.  They are so used to not having a true say about anything.  They give in to whatever the other person wants even if it dangerous.  They are afraid of conflict because conflict turns out bad.  The stress from conflict is too much for them.  The other person will not love them as much.  They will lose a friend.  Their loved one will think less of them.

If you are struggling with Co-dependency, please keep your chin up.  You can succeed.  It will not happen overnight, but it will happen.  Just keep trying and find a good support group.  That is vital to recovery.  I'm still trying to find me which is why my recovery is slow.  But I will recover!