Understanding Co-Dependency

I went through most of my life thinking that I was incompetent in everything.  My dreams were to always be set aside because others should always come first.  Now, my wants and desires should not be in the forefront, but they should also not be sacrificed for other people completely either.

When I read Celebrate Recovery's definition of co-dependency, I was shocked that I was reading about myself.  I did not realize how much I had turned everything about myself to others.  I always worried about pleasing others and being approved by them.  Now I understood why.

Many people push aside the idea that co-dependency is something to recover from.  They either have never experienced it or are living a lie.  It can be deadly.  Many people who find themselves in co-dependent relationship find that they lose their own identities.  They forget that they have feelings and desires.  They live only for the other person.

These co-dependent relationships are not just with a significant other though that is a huge percentage.  It can be with parents, siblings, other family members, bosses, friends.  Co-dependency can be with anyone. 

Who am I co-dependent to?  Everyone.  I long to be accepted and loved.  I want others to think good of me.  In the end I am miserable and depressed because I cannot achieve that.  I am never quite good enough.  I am never fully accepted.  There is always something more I need to do and then more after that.

In school I was always made fun of.  I was so self-conscious about the way I dressed, the way I talked, and the grades I made.  I was made fun of for making good grades, not having the highest grade, not wearing name brand clothes, my accent, my innocence, and the fact that I went to church on a regular basis.  Nothing I did helped me make friends in school.  I take that back.  When I tutored them, I was their best friend.

In my family, I wanted to be loved and be part of the group.  Instead, I was made fun of, reminded how much younger I was than my siblings, always put with the children even when I was a young adult, reminded of my lack of grace, and pretty much understood that my only accomplishment was good grade.

Later on, I was reminded of being the outcast and the new member of a family.  My "southern" traditions were always commented on and the fact that I did not jump right into their traditions always mentioned.  My cooking always needed help.  Not canceling other events for a last minute birthday party interpreted to mean that I did not care for them.  My housekeeping skills lacked completely.  My parenting was too harsh one day and too loose the next.

Around and around the whirlwind of co-dependency and my life began to fall completely apart.