I thought that I would be sitting back at steps one and two forever, but as I was talking with a friend regarding my co-dependency I realized that I was moving along those steps better than I had thought. I was starting to say no to those that wanted to rope me in. I was beginning to stand on my own two feet.
My problem in that so many people in my life want to control my life. They tell me how I should dress, talk, feel, discipline my children, answer my phone, spend my day, and which job to take. There is really not one area of my life where someone is not trying to point out that if I would listen to them all my problems would be over. The problem is that my feelings, passions, and self are ignored and basically told not important.
I have started telling people no. When they want to influence my day to day life, I say that I will do what I need to do and if their actions try to cause me to get off the track of what HAS to be done then it is their problem. For example, my husband who I am the most co-dependent to will panic because he needs to run to town because he forgot to do it yesterday. Tough luck! We are down to one car and I need it to take the kids to the doctor and get to work. My life cannot go on hold because somebody else did not do what was needed. They have to accept the consequences of their actions instead of me sacrificing everything to help them avoid the end result. It might sound selfish to some people, but when you are a co-dependent you find that those people begin to take you for granted and assume that you will give up a job interview or anything else important for their wants and panic attacks. Your life is really theirs. You find that you have no identity and that you really do not exist.
Unless you have fully recognized your co-dependency you cannot understand what it means to never be able to fulfill a dream or work on a hobby all because someone else demands your time. They want you to do what they want when they want you to. They expect you to drop everything just because they sneeze. A co-dependent does not exist. They are the shadow of the other person.
I'm beginning to break free. If I have a deadline or a responsibility that needs to be met, then I make sure that it is done. No more will I put off things that are required of me because someone else in my just wants to control me or because they have made mistakes in their daily life that flows into mine. I don't care anymore if I am acceptable to someone else or if I meet their approval. I don't care as long as I am doing what God requires of me. It might not make others happy, but it is what God wants of me.
I am a child of God and not the puppet of others. I am a person with feelings and not the toy of others. I need support and not control.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Lesson 3 - Revisted - Hope
Hope starts off with Higher Power. That has to be with Jesus. It cannot be with another person, our own strength, or with any tools this world has to offer. It has to be with Jesus. He can do so much for us if we will only let Him. According to Romans 11:36, "Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power." (TLB)
How can this apply to recovering from co-dependency? More than you can possibly imagine. What does a co-dependent search for? The approval and acceptance of other people. They look for others to give them a sense of self-worth and identity. That is wrong. It can only come from God. The approval we need and the acceptance we crave needs to come from Him and Him alone. He cannot fail us. He cannot let us down. He will not abuse us or reject us. He loves us and cares for us.
Co-dependency can be very deceptive. Most of the people the we are co-dependent to are close family members. We cannot get rid of them so this becomes a difficult challenge in our recovery. Because of that we have to rely more and more on God. He needs to totally replace the other people in our life. We are not defined by them. We are defined by Him.
If you are a co-dependent, get into the Word more and get closer to God. Let Him guide you and protect you when faced with those that you are co-dependent with. He is the ultimate source of strength that you need.
How can this apply to recovering from co-dependency? More than you can possibly imagine. What does a co-dependent search for? The approval and acceptance of other people. They look for others to give them a sense of self-worth and identity. That is wrong. It can only come from God. The approval we need and the acceptance we crave needs to come from Him and Him alone. He cannot fail us. He cannot let us down. He will not abuse us or reject us. He loves us and cares for us.
Co-dependency can be very deceptive. Most of the people the we are co-dependent to are close family members. We cannot get rid of them so this becomes a difficult challenge in our recovery. Because of that we have to rely more and more on God. He needs to totally replace the other people in our life. We are not defined by them. We are defined by Him.
If you are a co-dependent, get into the Word more and get closer to God. Let Him guide you and protect you when faced with those that you are co-dependent with. He is the ultimate source of strength that you need.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Lesson 2 Revisted
Since I had to return to step one, I went all the way back to lesson 1 and am working my way up. I'm determined to do this. I want complete recovery in my life.
The question posed to me today was "In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?" I almost skipped past this question. Not because I was ashamed, but because at first I wanted to say that I did nothing. But I forced myself to return to it and look deeper. I tried to bury it. That was my escape.
Once I got over the initial pain and the wallowing in confusion and anger, I moved on. I wanted to forget that part of my life. I did revisit it periodically, but I never wanted to face it again. I buried it as far from me as possible. When I revisited, I tried to heap more dirt on it to hide and never see it. The problem is that the pain is always there and you are reminded of it no matter how hard you try to forget.
One pain was from my childhood. I was accused of lying about something that I had nothing to do with. The relative had to tell everyone at the family gathering the next day how I had lied and would not be honest. The truth was that my mother had just reprimanded me for tattling. By not telling on someone else, I was the guilty party. I cried and cried. My mother unraveled the story from me and confronted the relative about it all. Their answer was that I should have told the truth. To this day I dread talking to her because I am scared deep down inside of being accused again. The pain was never addressed so therefore it continues on.
Whenever I got put on the spot about anything after that, I withdrew and tried to hide myself and the problem. A boy I had dated and his friends decided that because I would not let him kiss me that I was a tease. I tried to explain that my first kiss was to be something special and with the one I felt that I was in love with. I was way to young to be thinking of such things but that did not matter. They got nasty and told all sorts of things about me and even said some nasty things in the school paper. I wanted to die. Once again I was up against the wall with the firing squad and I wish the earth would have swallowed me up. I did get an apology from a few of them when they realized the whole truth. But to this day I feel the pain when I see his name.
A misunderstanding occurred between myself and a relative. Communication was at the core of the problem. The pain arose from the nasty things they said about me to others including my children. Though we mended the rift, it really was a sloppy job of stitches. The scar is still there and I really feel uncomfortable around them. Why? Because it was pushed under the rug and never really addressed. It was brought up several times since then and almost repeated many other times. The problem is still there but no one wants to address it. I have to hide the pain to keep going.
Over the years I have come realize that dealing with pain there can be no indirect solution. It has to be addressed head on properly or gangrene will set in. When the pain is ignored or pushed aside, we invite the devil to come in and make it more rancid. We don't want to face our part in the issue. We don't want to relive the emotions that ripped us apart, but how else can you heal?
My husband had acquired MRSA in his wrist. The doctors had to dig down into it and clean out all the junk before administering the antibiotic. He almost passed out from the pain. It was worse than the infection itself, but death could occur if not addressed at all. The pain had to be faced in order to be eliminated. The same has to be said about our emotional pain.
I'm learning that maybe I need to be more open to cleansing out my wound without making it worse. I need to face my pain instead of hiding it. Thank goodness I have the greatest Physician of all.
The question posed to me today was "In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?" I almost skipped past this question. Not because I was ashamed, but because at first I wanted to say that I did nothing. But I forced myself to return to it and look deeper. I tried to bury it. That was my escape.
Once I got over the initial pain and the wallowing in confusion and anger, I moved on. I wanted to forget that part of my life. I did revisit it periodically, but I never wanted to face it again. I buried it as far from me as possible. When I revisited, I tried to heap more dirt on it to hide and never see it. The problem is that the pain is always there and you are reminded of it no matter how hard you try to forget.
One pain was from my childhood. I was accused of lying about something that I had nothing to do with. The relative had to tell everyone at the family gathering the next day how I had lied and would not be honest. The truth was that my mother had just reprimanded me for tattling. By not telling on someone else, I was the guilty party. I cried and cried. My mother unraveled the story from me and confronted the relative about it all. Their answer was that I should have told the truth. To this day I dread talking to her because I am scared deep down inside of being accused again. The pain was never addressed so therefore it continues on.
Whenever I got put on the spot about anything after that, I withdrew and tried to hide myself and the problem. A boy I had dated and his friends decided that because I would not let him kiss me that I was a tease. I tried to explain that my first kiss was to be something special and with the one I felt that I was in love with. I was way to young to be thinking of such things but that did not matter. They got nasty and told all sorts of things about me and even said some nasty things in the school paper. I wanted to die. Once again I was up against the wall with the firing squad and I wish the earth would have swallowed me up. I did get an apology from a few of them when they realized the whole truth. But to this day I feel the pain when I see his name.
A misunderstanding occurred between myself and a relative. Communication was at the core of the problem. The pain arose from the nasty things they said about me to others including my children. Though we mended the rift, it really was a sloppy job of stitches. The scar is still there and I really feel uncomfortable around them. Why? Because it was pushed under the rug and never really addressed. It was brought up several times since then and almost repeated many other times. The problem is still there but no one wants to address it. I have to hide the pain to keep going.
Over the years I have come realize that dealing with pain there can be no indirect solution. It has to be addressed head on properly or gangrene will set in. When the pain is ignored or pushed aside, we invite the devil to come in and make it more rancid. We don't want to face our part in the issue. We don't want to relive the emotions that ripped us apart, but how else can you heal?
My husband had acquired MRSA in his wrist. The doctors had to dig down into it and clean out all the junk before administering the antibiotic. He almost passed out from the pain. It was worse than the infection itself, but death could occur if not addressed at all. The pain had to be faced in order to be eliminated. The same has to be said about our emotional pain.
I'm learning that maybe I need to be more open to cleansing out my wound without making it worse. I need to face my pain instead of hiding it. Thank goodness I have the greatest Physician of all.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Copying Skills
Yes, I'm still battling with step one. It is not as easy as you might think. Getting rid of any habit or hangup is not a light task. It is extremely difficult. Going back to step one, I was given the question: As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself? I never really recall trying to get attention. Mainly because I don't think that I was ever ignored. But protecting myself was another matter. I did not suffer from physical abuse. But I never took criticism well. Most people don't, that is true, but I took every single thing as personal. Why? Because I heard what was said behind closed doors and the comments were meant to be personal. The small barb was meant to penetrate. I learned quickly that most people's comments were deliberate and on purpose. I learned to get out of the line of fire by withdrawing into myself so that the stings were less potent. It has served me well through adulthood.
When reprimanded or verbally attacked, I immediately clam up. If my bosses addresses me down, I close my mouth and bury myself in my work. I will not be jolly, happy, or anything. I will just put my nose to the grind and try to stay out of the line of fire. If a relative gets in my face and starts criticizing everything I do, I do the same and just bury myself in work. This has worked well though it has been damaging.
Anytime we withdraw into ourselves we damage relationships. We alienate ourselves and prevent healing. Now, at the time it seems the smartest thing to do. After all someone is on the warpath somewhere. I hate conflict. I avoid wherever I can. Some people might not believe that, but when it is personal, I run for the hills. Why? Because I have too many scars that have yet to heal. I don't need anymore salt on the wounds. Yes, I know that I'm not pretty. Yes, I know that I suck as a mother. Yes, I know that my cooking has a lot to be desired. Yes, I know that I don't do anything right. Therefore, I hide.
Hiding is safer. I only have myself to criticize. But in doing so it has only emphasized my co-dependency. Their opinions still factor in my life. Their statements still drive me. I am still dependent on them. I think this really came to light when recently someone who rarely sees me and knows less about me than they think they do began the attack on how I need to do this better, not do this, and change this in my life. It devastated me. I was back at step one. I realized this as I began to creep back into my shell and hide from everyone.
I got angry. When was I ever going to get over this? Why can't I conquer it? I don't want to be co-dependent yet I crave their approval. I don't want them to worship me, but I would like a little love and support. That is all I ask for.
Ironically, I do get that from some dear friends. And I deeply appreciate them for that. I just would like it from those that profess to care also. It is still a work in progress. I've got to learn better copying skills.
When reprimanded or verbally attacked, I immediately clam up. If my bosses addresses me down, I close my mouth and bury myself in my work. I will not be jolly, happy, or anything. I will just put my nose to the grind and try to stay out of the line of fire. If a relative gets in my face and starts criticizing everything I do, I do the same and just bury myself in work. This has worked well though it has been damaging.
Anytime we withdraw into ourselves we damage relationships. We alienate ourselves and prevent healing. Now, at the time it seems the smartest thing to do. After all someone is on the warpath somewhere. I hate conflict. I avoid wherever I can. Some people might not believe that, but when it is personal, I run for the hills. Why? Because I have too many scars that have yet to heal. I don't need anymore salt on the wounds. Yes, I know that I'm not pretty. Yes, I know that I suck as a mother. Yes, I know that my cooking has a lot to be desired. Yes, I know that I don't do anything right. Therefore, I hide.
Hiding is safer. I only have myself to criticize. But in doing so it has only emphasized my co-dependency. Their opinions still factor in my life. Their statements still drive me. I am still dependent on them. I think this really came to light when recently someone who rarely sees me and knows less about me than they think they do began the attack on how I need to do this better, not do this, and change this in my life. It devastated me. I was back at step one. I realized this as I began to creep back into my shell and hide from everyone.
I got angry. When was I ever going to get over this? Why can't I conquer it? I don't want to be co-dependent yet I crave their approval. I don't want them to worship me, but I would like a little love and support. That is all I ask for.
Ironically, I do get that from some dear friends. And I deeply appreciate them for that. I just would like it from those that profess to care also. It is still a work in progress. I've got to learn better copying skills.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Recovery is Ongoing
I think that this past week I was still at step one. I hit a depression like none other. I found myself seeing only the criticism and the rejection. I longed for approval. Then amazingly I got it. What did I do? I asked if there was a sudden freeze way down below and how soon would the thaw be.
Never satisfied am I? I really am at step one again. I have to learn to turn more to God and forget the others. I do not need their approval. What I need is to get my spiritual walk where it should be and then it will all fall into place. Alright! Easier said than done.
I am not in control of anything except my reaction to situations. I cannot control how my kids feel, my husband's actions, my family's tongue, my friends' comments, the economy, the White House, the earthquakes........ Shall I go on. I can approach each with wisdom and prayer. I can be in control of that and that alone.
I might not have an alcohol problem or dealing with the misuse of drugs, but folks that doesn't mean that I don't have something to recover from. Life hurts and it can take a lot to recover from. Don't let pride be the only thing that is holding you back (honestly, you do need to recover from that, too). Turn to God and let Him have it.
If you are interested to learn more about the Celebrate Recovery program, please let me know.
Never satisfied am I? I really am at step one again. I have to learn to turn more to God and forget the others. I do not need their approval. What I need is to get my spiritual walk where it should be and then it will all fall into place. Alright! Easier said than done.
I am not in control of anything except my reaction to situations. I cannot control how my kids feel, my husband's actions, my family's tongue, my friends' comments, the economy, the White House, the earthquakes........ Shall I go on. I can approach each with wisdom and prayer. I can be in control of that and that alone.
I might not have an alcohol problem or dealing with the misuse of drugs, but folks that doesn't mean that I don't have something to recover from. Life hurts and it can take a lot to recover from. Don't let pride be the only thing that is holding you back (honestly, you do need to recover from that, too). Turn to God and let Him have it.
If you are interested to learn more about the Celebrate Recovery program, please let me know.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sometimes It is Back to Step One
Throughout any recovery you will find yourself back at step one periodically. It could just be that old habits are hard to break. It could be pride. It could be that we never really progressed like we thought. I found myself slipping back to step one this week.
As you well know I have an issue with co-dependency. I thought I was getting along fine with getting on the road to recovery until this past week. I found myself back in the same old rut of needing approval. The fact that I wanted it so badly made me very depressed. Am I never to escape from this?
Over the last week I have been focusing on my husband and his health. It is not good. I'm worried because he is the love of my life. I had to stay home over the weekend while he went to a family function five hours away. I was without my husband and two daughters from Saturday through Monday evening. While he was gone, I took matters into my own hands and set up a time for him to escape to a cabin without any interference so that he could relax and bring his blood pressure down before he had a stroke. He came home on Monday and I sent him away on Tuesday. I barely got to see my husband yet I was willing to do this to have him for many more years to come. I did not do this for a pat on the back, but the desire for it from a few people crept in.
I had expected a few people who were concerned about him to thank me for organizing it. Usually they comment on how much I place on him. Here I was relieving him. I broke down into tears because they actually seemed to be avoiding me and would not address his health. I guess that I thought after I had done all this for him that they would realize how much I loved him and that I was doing something good for him. Why can't I get past this?
Maybe I am just PMSing. But I cannot deny the fact that I am still seeking their approval. I need the confirmation that I'm doing something good. It is so frustrating because I don't want to be like that. In the end their opinion means absolutely nothing. Why? Because it is God's opinion that really matters.
Maybe that is it. I know God loves me no matter what and I rest assured in that. I honestly don't know if the other people love me or even like me. Maybe that is what eats at me. I need to be loved and to feel like someone loves me. Is that what co-dependency really is? A desire to feel loved and cherished?
I'm back at step one this week. But I'm ready to work my way back up.
As you well know I have an issue with co-dependency. I thought I was getting along fine with getting on the road to recovery until this past week. I found myself back in the same old rut of needing approval. The fact that I wanted it so badly made me very depressed. Am I never to escape from this?
Over the last week I have been focusing on my husband and his health. It is not good. I'm worried because he is the love of my life. I had to stay home over the weekend while he went to a family function five hours away. I was without my husband and two daughters from Saturday through Monday evening. While he was gone, I took matters into my own hands and set up a time for him to escape to a cabin without any interference so that he could relax and bring his blood pressure down before he had a stroke. He came home on Monday and I sent him away on Tuesday. I barely got to see my husband yet I was willing to do this to have him for many more years to come. I did not do this for a pat on the back, but the desire for it from a few people crept in.
I had expected a few people who were concerned about him to thank me for organizing it. Usually they comment on how much I place on him. Here I was relieving him. I broke down into tears because they actually seemed to be avoiding me and would not address his health. I guess that I thought after I had done all this for him that they would realize how much I loved him and that I was doing something good for him. Why can't I get past this?
Maybe I am just PMSing. But I cannot deny the fact that I am still seeking their approval. I need the confirmation that I'm doing something good. It is so frustrating because I don't want to be like that. In the end their opinion means absolutely nothing. Why? Because it is God's opinion that really matters.
Maybe that is it. I know God loves me no matter what and I rest assured in that. I honestly don't know if the other people love me or even like me. Maybe that is what eats at me. I need to be loved and to feel like someone loves me. Is that what co-dependency really is? A desire to feel loved and cherished?
I'm back at step one this week. But I'm ready to work my way back up.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Growing in Wisdom is Part of Recovery
I'm discovering that part of my recovery is to personally grow in wisdom. This can be a fun yet frustrating experience.
I once had a fight with God over the fact that someone I knew would not see the errors of their ways. Any court in the world would see how wrong they were. Why weren't they changing? Why wasn't God getting their attention? It was then that God brought it to my attention that I could not change them. I could not teach them tact, respect, and compassion. Only He could. What was I do to then? Just sit back and be emotional abused? No, I was to stop myself from becoming that person.
How many of us see our parents in us? Here I mean the not so admirable qualities. Why do we see that? Have you ever seen the movie Monster-In-Law? I have come to hold that movie so dear. Not for the humor which is plenty, but for the lesson I got from it. The story line is that a young man brings home his beautiful fiance to meet his mother. The fireworks go off as they go at each other. The mother is determined to ruin the young girl and break them up. The young girl is fighting for her life as the situations turn from hilarious to dangerous. What got me was when the future mother-in-law's mother-in-law appeared. The tables were the turned. The nasty sharp tongue came from the older woman and directed at the woman whose son was to walk down the aisle. She became the young bride who could do nothing right. A vicious cycle. One woman in your foolishness helped created a mini-me of her who turned and did the same thing to her new daughter-in-law. Where does the cycle of foolishness end and wisdom prevail? Here with me.
I began to notice how much people were really like the ones they portrayed as harsh and uncaring. One woman could not go five minutes whenever she visited her daughter without mentioning the extra microwave. Why on earth did they have it? Why didn't they take it back? It made no sense. And the new glasses? Why would they buy such delicate pieces? Nice sensible glassware would be good enough. It left her daughter in tears in each visit as she harped on everything they had and did. One day the mother was going through her cabinets and picked up a waffle iron. It had to be almost sixty years old. One of the first electric ones ever made. She teared up as she mentioned how her own mother would comment on the foolishness of buying it each and every time she visited. What this woman did not understand was that she was now that other woman.
We can stop that cycle! We do not have to be like others. We do not have to answer them. We have somewhere else to go to get direction. The Word. The book of Proverbs is a great place to go to get out of the cycle. Do you want to truly be like your mother, mother-in-law, father, or father-in-law? Sadly, most people I know would say no. Who do they want to be like? A person of wisdom and a controlled tongue. That can only be achieved through God and through His Word.
Part of my recovery is going through the book of Proverbs. I am trying to apply each verse to my life. Am I a hundred percent successful? Absolutely not. But I am trying. I want to be known for my wisdom and not for my hateful speech or arrogance, or high opinions.
I once had a fight with God over the fact that someone I knew would not see the errors of their ways. Any court in the world would see how wrong they were. Why weren't they changing? Why wasn't God getting their attention? It was then that God brought it to my attention that I could not change them. I could not teach them tact, respect, and compassion. Only He could. What was I do to then? Just sit back and be emotional abused? No, I was to stop myself from becoming that person.
How many of us see our parents in us? Here I mean the not so admirable qualities. Why do we see that? Have you ever seen the movie Monster-In-Law? I have come to hold that movie so dear. Not for the humor which is plenty, but for the lesson I got from it. The story line is that a young man brings home his beautiful fiance to meet his mother. The fireworks go off as they go at each other. The mother is determined to ruin the young girl and break them up. The young girl is fighting for her life as the situations turn from hilarious to dangerous. What got me was when the future mother-in-law's mother-in-law appeared. The tables were the turned. The nasty sharp tongue came from the older woman and directed at the woman whose son was to walk down the aisle. She became the young bride who could do nothing right. A vicious cycle. One woman in your foolishness helped created a mini-me of her who turned and did the same thing to her new daughter-in-law. Where does the cycle of foolishness end and wisdom prevail? Here with me.
I began to notice how much people were really like the ones they portrayed as harsh and uncaring. One woman could not go five minutes whenever she visited her daughter without mentioning the extra microwave. Why on earth did they have it? Why didn't they take it back? It made no sense. And the new glasses? Why would they buy such delicate pieces? Nice sensible glassware would be good enough. It left her daughter in tears in each visit as she harped on everything they had and did. One day the mother was going through her cabinets and picked up a waffle iron. It had to be almost sixty years old. One of the first electric ones ever made. She teared up as she mentioned how her own mother would comment on the foolishness of buying it each and every time she visited. What this woman did not understand was that she was now that other woman.
We can stop that cycle! We do not have to be like others. We do not have to answer them. We have somewhere else to go to get direction. The Word. The book of Proverbs is a great place to go to get out of the cycle. Do you want to truly be like your mother, mother-in-law, father, or father-in-law? Sadly, most people I know would say no. Who do they want to be like? A person of wisdom and a controlled tongue. That can only be achieved through God and through His Word.
Part of my recovery is going through the book of Proverbs. I am trying to apply each verse to my life. Am I a hundred percent successful? Absolutely not. But I am trying. I want to be known for my wisdom and not for my hateful speech or arrogance, or high opinions.
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