More to Learn

Getting married did put me into co-dependency even further.  I was under constant scrutiny on how I set up the house, how fast the wedding thank you notes went out, how I did everything.  From my side of the family, I got criticism on how my new husband did or did not do things.  From his side, I was criticized for doing things the way that they did.  I was so different.  I could not please anyone.  My cooking needed improvement.  My cleaning had a lot to be desired.  Over and over more comments were made on what I needed to fix.  According to all this I did nothing right.

I did not realize until years later that I was becoming co-dependent in my marriage.  My darling husband is ADD.  This means that his attention is not always where it needs to be.  When he walks into a room, he seems to draw everyone to him.  He is very sociable and loves to talk with people.  Before I knew it, I was just following him wherever.  I was an extreme introvert and he seemed to just take over me.  Years later I looked back and noticed how his ADD began to run out lives and take me down paths that were not fun.

Have you ever heard me describe marriage to an ADD person?  Well, it is something like this......

Everything is rosy at first.  You are walking hand and hand and side by side.  You are together in the journey.  In fact you comment on sights you see and when you come across an obstacle in your path, he helps you over it.  This is generally because it is all new and exciting to both of you.  But time changes all things.

Without realizing what is happening, you see that he is now walking a few feet ahead of you.  He still has your hand but almost seems to be pulling you a little.  He begins to point out things to you, but jumps to another before you have time comment.  Time continues on and now you find that he is no longer holding your hand as he is using his hands to pick up things or point out scenery.  You can to almost run to catch up to him.  You tie a rope around you both so that you can still stay somehow connected. 

Before long he is yards ahead of you.  As you pass through trees, he forgets to hold the tree limp and you get smacked in the face.  He begins to pull you forward and he begins to rush about looking at one thing and then another.  Periodically, he pauses long enough for you to catch up but not to catch your breath.

The rest of the journey is him going through life in a rush, literally pulling you behind.  You are running trying to keep up and as a result never get to see the scenery or the rock in the middle of the path that trips you.  You fall and are still being dragged since he has not noticed that you have fallen.  His attention is focused on something else.

You begin to notice how things are falling around you.  He is dropping important things.  As you are rushing to keep up, you are trying to pick up everything: utilities bills, children's activities, birthdays, messages, breath.  It becomes harder and harder.  Eventually, you can't pick up anything.  You are just along for the ride.  Who do people see?  Him with a blur behind him.

This does not mean that he does not love you.  In fact, he cares for you greatly.  It is just that he cannot focus on more than one thing at a time.

Before I knew it I had no identity.  I was someone's little sister, youngest child, in-law, and wife.  Did I have a name?  What was it and where did I fit in this place?   

Learning More About Myself

The more I go into my recovery the more I am finding out about myself.  I never realized how co-dependent I was.  In truth, I am horrified at how much I have allowed others to dictate and direct my life.  Only recently have I begun to stand up to them and stand on my own.

I have always worried what other people thought of me.  Throughout my school years I would hear the whispers as kids made fun of me.  They might not have thought anything of mocking my clothes, my accent, or how much I loved school.  In reality it was devastating to me.  These feelings began to direct the years that came later and led me deeper into co-dependency.

It did not help that I strove so hard for approval.  I loved school and did not need to be forced to make good grades.  Yet hearing the approval from my parents became crucial for me.  I felt that I had no other talents.  I could only make good grades.  I tried to hard to stand out as me, yet always felt like I was failing.  When we went back to Kentucky, people would see me and think that I was my sister.  Always my sister's name was mentioned before mine.  One person told me that as long as I lived, she would never die.  It got worse when people would be shocked that Mom and Dad had a fourth child.  You cannot imagine how many times I came across that.  Great!  Now I don't even exist in my own hometown.

But was it my hometown?  I didn't belong there anymore.  Yet, I didn't belong in Alabama either.  My accent let everyone know that I was not from there.  I never really felt accepted.  So I began to struggle to find myself and failed over and over.

I threw myself into college to make good grades.  But then I found someone who loved me for me.  My grades suffered, but it was worth it.  I had found love.  What I didn't realize that I was walking into further co-dependence that would force me to face it for what it was and make a decision that would forever change my life.

Lesson 4 - Sanity - Revisted

Boy, has it been emphasized how insane my life is.  Here, there, and everywhere at one time. 

One of the questions asked in this lesson is "how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?"  That's another deep question.  Going on my own reactions and feelings has been detrimental in my life.  I get angry and if I react with that anger I say things that I later regret.  Emotions are given to us by God, but how we use them is usually not of Him. 

My emotions are usually that of flight.  I would love to crawl under a rock and hide from the world.  I hate to have confrontation with others.  I like peace and smooth sailing, yet if I act with my emotions, I run right into confrontation.  The feelings of hurt can cause a fight if I act on them.  The feelings of anger when wronged can cause a myriad of issues if I followed through.

Emotions can manipulated by others.  It is a feeling of the moment and not a true rock to stand on.  That is why it is wrong to fully rely on them and let them run our lives.

Emotions getting me into trouble?  By opening my mouth and speaking by thoughts.  This usually does  not turn out well.  I have shown myself as a child by relying on my emotions.  That is why when something happens in my life, I like to withdraw and think about it before reacting.  I need to understand my part in it and what I need to do about it.  Unfortunately, other people in my life want to push it and have it "out" right then and there.  They won't give me the chance to put emotion on the back burner.  Then they get angry that I acted on emotion.  This is where getting over co-dependency is hard when others are in your face all the time.  Give people time to solve their problems.  Let them think on them and let God talk to them.  They should be hearing God's voice and not yours.

Success

I thought that I would be sitting back at steps one and two forever, but as I was talking with a friend regarding my co-dependency I realized that I was moving along those steps better than I had thought.  I was starting to say no to those that wanted to rope me in.  I was beginning to stand on my own two feet.

My problem in that so many people in my life want to control my life.  They tell me how I should dress, talk, feel, discipline my children, answer my phone, spend my day, and which job to take.  There is really not one area of my life where someone is not trying to point out that if I would listen to them all my problems would be over.  The problem is that my feelings, passions, and self are ignored and basically told not important.

I have started telling people no.  When they want to influence my day to day life, I say that I will do what I need to do and if their actions try to cause me to get off the track of what HAS to be done then it is their problem.  For example, my husband who I am the most co-dependent to will panic because he needs to run to town because he forgot to do it yesterday.  Tough luck!  We are down to one car and I need it to take the kids to the doctor and get to work.  My life cannot go on hold because somebody else did not do what was needed.  They have to accept the consequences of their actions instead of me sacrificing everything to help them avoid the end result.  It might sound selfish to some people, but when you are a co-dependent you find that those people begin to take you for granted and assume that you will give up a job interview or anything else important for their wants and panic attacks.  Your life is really theirs.  You find that you have no identity and that you really do not exist. 

Unless you have fully recognized your co-dependency you cannot understand what it means to never be able to fulfill a dream or work on a hobby all because someone else demands your time.  They want you to do what they want when they want you to.  They expect you to drop everything just because they sneeze.  A co-dependent does not exist.  They are the shadow of the other person.

I'm beginning to break free.  If I have a deadline or a responsibility that needs to be met, then I make sure that it is done.  No more will I put off things that are required of me because someone else in my just wants to control me or because they have made mistakes in their daily life that flows into mine.  I don't care anymore if I am acceptable to someone else or if I meet their approval.  I don't care as long as I am doing what God requires of me.  It might not make others happy, but it is what God wants of me.  

I am a child of God and not the puppet of others.  I am a person with feelings and not the toy of others.  I need support and not control.

Lesson 3 - Revisted - Hope

Hope starts off with Higher Power.  That has to be with Jesus.  It cannot be with another person, our own strength, or with any tools this world has to offer.  It has to be with Jesus.  He can do so much for us if we will only let Him.  According to Romans 11:36, "Everything comes from God alone.  Everything lives by his power." (TLB)

How can this apply to recovering from co-dependency?   More than you can possibly imagine.  What does a co-dependent search for?  The approval and acceptance of other people.  They look for others to give them a sense of self-worth and identity.  That is wrong.  It can only come from God.  The approval we need and the acceptance we crave needs to come from Him and Him alone.  He cannot fail us.  He cannot let us down.  He will not abuse us or reject us.  He loves us and cares for us.

Co-dependency can be very deceptive.  Most of the people the we are co-dependent to are close family members.  We cannot get rid of them so this becomes a difficult challenge in our recovery.  Because of that we have to rely more and more on God.  He needs to totally replace the other people in our life.  We are not defined by them.  We are defined by Him.

If you are a co-dependent, get into the Word more and get closer to God.  Let Him guide you and protect you when faced with those that you are co-dependent with.  He is the ultimate source of strength that you need.

Lesson 2 Revisted

Since I had to return to step one, I went all the way back to lesson 1 and am working my way up.  I'm determined to do this.  I want complete recovery in my life.

The question posed to me today was "In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?"  I almost skipped past this question.  Not because I was ashamed, but because at first I wanted to say that I did nothing.  But I forced myself to return to it and look deeper.  I tried to bury it.  That was my escape.

Once I got over the initial pain and the wallowing in confusion and anger, I moved on.  I wanted to forget that part of my life.  I did revisit it periodically, but I never wanted to face it again.  I buried it as far from me as possible.  When I revisited, I tried to heap more dirt on it to hide and never see it.  The problem is that the pain is always there and you are reminded of it no matter how hard you try to forget.

One pain was from my childhood.  I was accused of lying about something that I had nothing to do with.  The relative had to tell everyone at the family gathering the next day how I had lied and would not be honest.  The truth was that my mother had just reprimanded me for tattling.  By not telling on someone else, I was the guilty party.  I cried and cried.  My mother unraveled the story from me and confronted the relative about it all.  Their answer was that I should have told the truth.  To this day I dread talking to her because I am scared deep down inside of being accused again.  The pain was never addressed so therefore it continues on.

Whenever I got put on the spot about anything after that, I withdrew and tried to hide myself and the problem.  A boy I had dated and his friends decided that because I would not let him kiss me that I was a tease.  I tried to explain that my first kiss was to be something special and with the one I felt that I was in love with.  I was way to young to be thinking of such things but that did not matter.  They got nasty and told all sorts of things about me and even said some nasty things in the school paper.  I wanted to die.  Once again I was up against the wall with the firing squad and I wish the earth would have swallowed me up.  I did get an apology from a few of them when they realized the whole truth.  But to this day I feel the pain when I see his name.

A misunderstanding occurred between myself and a relative.  Communication was at the core of the problem.  The pain arose from the nasty things they said about me to others including my children.  Though we mended the rift, it really was a sloppy job of stitches.  The scar is still there and I really feel uncomfortable around them.  Why?  Because it was pushed under the rug and never really addressed.  It was brought up several times since then and almost repeated many other times.  The problem is still there but no one wants to address it.  I have to hide the pain to keep going.

Over the years I have come realize that dealing with pain there can be no indirect solution.  It has to be addressed head on properly or gangrene will set in.  When the pain is ignored or pushed aside, we invite the devil to come in and make it more rancid.  We don't want to face our part in the issue.  We don't want to relive the emotions that ripped us apart, but how else can you heal? 

My husband had acquired MRSA in his wrist.  The doctors had to dig down into it and clean out all the junk before administering the antibiotic.  He almost passed out from the pain.  It was worse than the infection itself, but death could occur if not addressed at all.  The pain had to be faced in order to be eliminated.  The same has to be said about our emotional pain.

I'm learning that maybe I need to be more open to cleansing out my wound without making it worse.  I need to face my pain instead of hiding it.  Thank goodness I have the greatest Physician of all.

Copying Skills

Yes, I'm still battling with step one.  It is not as easy as you might think. Getting rid of any habit or hangup is not a light task.  It is extremely difficult.  Going back to step one, I was given the question: As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?  I never really recall trying to get attention.  Mainly because I don't think that I was ever ignored.  But protecting myself was another matter.  I did not suffer from physical abuse.  But I never took criticism well.  Most people don't, that is true, but I took every single thing as personal.  Why?  Because I heard what was said behind closed doors and the comments were meant to be personal.  The small barb was meant to penetrate.  I learned quickly that most people's comments were deliberate and on purpose.  I learned to get out of the line of fire by withdrawing into myself so that the stings were less potent.  It has served me well through adulthood.

When reprimanded or verbally attacked, I immediately clam up.  If my bosses addresses me down, I close my mouth and bury myself in my work.  I will not be jolly, happy, or anything.  I will just put my nose to the grind and try to stay out of the line of fire.  If a relative gets in my face and starts criticizing everything I do, I do the same and just bury myself in work.  This has worked well though it has been damaging.

Anytime we withdraw into ourselves we damage relationships.  We alienate ourselves and prevent healing.  Now, at the time it seems the smartest thing to do.  After all someone is on the warpath somewhere.  I hate conflict.  I avoid wherever I can.  Some people might not believe that, but when it is personal, I run for the hills.  Why?  Because I have too many scars that have yet to heal.  I don't need anymore salt on the wounds.  Yes, I know that I'm not pretty.  Yes, I know that I suck as a mother.  Yes, I know that my cooking has a lot to be desired.  Yes, I know that I don't do anything right.  Therefore, I hide.

Hiding is safer.  I only have myself to criticize.  But in doing so it has only emphasized my co-dependency.  Their opinions still factor in my life.  Their statements still drive me.  I am still dependent on them.  I think this really came to light when recently someone who rarely sees me and knows less about me than they think they do began the attack on how I need to do this better, not do this, and change this in my life.  It devastated me.  I was back at step one.  I realized this as I began to creep back into my shell and hide from everyone. 

I got angry.  When was I ever going to get over this?  Why can't I conquer it?  I don't want to be co-dependent yet I crave their approval.  I don't want them to worship me, but I would like a little love and support.  That is all I ask for.

Ironically, I do get that from some dear friends.  And I deeply appreciate them for that.  I just would like it from those that profess to care also.  It is still a work in progress.  I've got to learn better copying skills.